Episode 51: Transcript

You are listening to episode 51 of the Path to Motherhood podcast.

Welcome to the Path to Motherhood podcast.

I'm your host and fertility life coach, Sarah Randell.

Join us each week as we walk through navigating your trying to conceive journey.

My mission is to share the skills of managing your mind, processing emotions and living a full life to create a more authentic path to motherhood.

Hello, hello, and welcome back to another episode.

I'm super excited to be chatting with you guys today.

This topic that we're going to address today is a long time coming.

It's one that I wanted to share for a while, but honestly, I just wanted to be able to do it justice because I remember the first time I learned about this concept, it was a really hard concept for me to learn about.

And so I want to acknowledge that about today.

So we'll get into it.

But before we do, I hope all of you are doing well.

I hope you guys have loved the last few weeks of episodes.

I really think that like getting to share some other women's stories and having that panel discussion was really awesome.

I love opening up and answering your guys's questions.

So it's been a fun couple of weeks on the podcast.

I am doing pretty well.

I'm definitely being tested from the accepting how rough I feel on my own pregnancy after infertility and lost journey right now, but doing okay.

And again, I'm excited for this one.

This is an important topic.

So before we dive into things fully, like I said, I'll just share a little bit of a story about when I first got introduced to this.

I think I've maybe said it before in another episode, but it was probably a couple months maybe into talking to my coach about my infertility and how much I was struggling with that and my emotional turmoil that I was having going through that and having had so many losses and she brought up the topic of attachment.

And I think I've shared before that I remember getting off that first call where she shared the topic of attachment and honestly I felt pissed.

Like I was in a bad mood because especially coming from someone who has never felt it before and has never been in your shoes before, like none of us, like all of us have been through something, but none of us has been in the other one's shoes, right.

So when you're in it, when you're in the thick of it and someone tells you to just stop being attached to it, that can feel really tough and I acknowledge that.

And so I want you guys to stick through with this episode because it really has transformed how I show up in my journey, how I think about my journey, but it didn't happen overnight.

As you can imagine, I left that call pretty angry and I stayed pretty angry for a while.

It took me thinking about it, mulling over it, talking to her about it, weeks, months, more thinking about it, and I wouldn't even say I'm to a place where I would consider myself fully unattached.

And I think that's okay.

But I think it's important to like just understand this concept.

And so with that, we'll dive in just knowing that like if this is hitting you for the first time and you're thinking like this sounds totally impossible, unreasonable, I get you.

I've been there.

I've totally felt that and that is okay if that's what you're feeling.

But just like ever so slightly consider what if some of this was true.

So one thing I wanna say is this concept of attachment, it's like part of our human experience, right.

It's not good or bad that we do it, it's just something that we innately do.

It's this bond, almost like an emotional bond that we form with people, with ideas, with concepts, with future outcomes that we hold really important to us, right.

Like I become attached to the fact that my husband is my partner and I wanna be with him for the rest of my life.

Nobody has a crystal ball that can promise that that's going to be the case.

I have no idea what the future holds, but that is what I'm attached to.

And I'm going to hold on to that.

And that's okay.

And I can be blindsided in the future, hopefully not because something changes, but I could be.

When it comes to your fertility journey, what I see is a handful of different types of attachments and they come from like our desire to be a mother, right.

go and transition into parenthood, our desire for how we want to become a mother, right.

Like how we're gonna have that child.

And then we end up developing new attachments to new things once we get down this fertility kind of treatment rabbit hole.

And so I thought through like a couple different ways that attachment honestly shows up for me or did show up for me along this journey because I thought a lot of you could probably could relate to some of these.

So first and foremost, one of the main ways I see attachment in my own journey and in so many other women's journey as I talk to them is in the outcomes, right.

We're attached to how we want to get pregnant.

We're attached to getting pregnant.

We see that as a light at the end of the tunnel.

We see, you know, carrying this baby to term for a lot of us.

This is not for everyone, but for a lot of us, we think of it as being attached to this outcome of having this biological child, right.

And that I think is one of the examples why when someone just suggests, oh, just adopt, it can feel really jarring because if we've been attached to I wanna have this biological child, then just adopt doesn't fulfill that attachment, right.

It doesn't fulfill that goal that we have for ourselves.

And I say all of these to say that we all have different attachments.

Yours may be the only way I'm ever gonna get pregnant is if I have a success with IVF.

The only way I'm ever willing to get pregnant is if I get pregnant without medical help, right.

I ever worked with a woman who was not comfortable with doing fertility treatments, and that's totally fine.

But for her, she was attached to the outcome of getting pregnant, but only if and only if it was through natural conception.

And there is, again, and lately nothing wrong with these attachments.

It's just that they do create an emotional roller coaster for us.

And we'll explain a little bit more why in a second.

Another area that I experienced attachment, I totally can see myself thinking through this and talking through this with my doctors and my coach.

And it's interesting to think back on it now because this attachment type I was so stuck on.

Like it felt so important, so heavy, so strong.

It felt like it had such a role in my life and now it just totally doesn't.

And so it's just really interesting to see that.

So this one is attachment to like timeliness.

We all, I mean so many of us have these dreams before we start trying to conceive of how many children we want.

How quickly we want to have those children.

How old do we wanna be when we have those children.

How close in age do we want those children to be.

And we have these ideas.

For me, I think I've shared before, in my heart, I really wanted to have four children.

Probably is what I would have told you when we got married.

My husband probably would have said two to three.

And I think I could have been happy with three.

But I do very clearly remember that I really took that whole geriatric pregnancy diagnosis to heart.

Which is funny now to think about that.

but I really did.

Like I really took that information and thought I don't wanna be having kids after 35.

So I want my four children and I wanna have my four children in the next handful of years so that I'm done by 35.

And I had my first, my daughter, which you know, we waited a while to have her.

I think I was 28 when she was born.

She just turned four, so that tells you how old I am now.

So I'll be 33 when I have this one.

And yeah, I mean, I would be really surprised to say if we're lucky enough to have another kid, right.

Let alone to do it by 35.

But there was a time where that timeline felt so important and it caused me so much stress because every month that it didn't work, every month that we had a setback, every cycle that we got a positive test and then ended in a miscarriage felt like a gut punch because it was stealing away what months I had left till that 35 number happened.

And so this isn't just an example of how that attachment to a timeline, attachment to a number of children, to an order of children really shows up.

Another type of attachment that I think most of us experience is an attachment to an identity or a goal identity, right.

I think most of us dream of becoming a parent.

We feel this sense of being this mother figure, right.

That is why we wanna go out and have children.

And so when we're faced with infertility or loss and it's questioning our ability to become that parent figure, it's questioning our ability to take on that motherhood role, that can be very jarring for us.

And I am really passionate, you guys have heard me say this before, that if you're showing up, if you are doing the steps to get pregnant, if you're going through the motions of infertility, if you're putting in the effort, you're taking the medications, you're tracking the cycles, whatever it is, that is showing up from your motherhood energy.

And I think that can be really freeing to know that.

But also I think some of us really are so attached to that future parenthood identity, motherhood identity, that we truly have no idea what else we could identify as.

Like we have gone through life just expecting, I'm gonna get married, I'm gonna have this family, I'm gonna become this mother and that's my goal in life.

And when that's being questioned and we have nothing else to look towards, 'cause we feel like we've lost ourselves in this process, that can be really painful.

That can feel really difficult.

I feel like a lot of emotions and inadequacies start to come up from that.

And that's just a really important thing to kind of look into.

And then the last one I thought of, and this is by no means like an all-inclusive list, this is just a couple that I thought of as I was kind of preparing for this episode, is attachment to control, which I know we all can relate to, right.

we go through life, we do the steps.

You know, I always talk about how like, I went to school, I got the grades, I got the job, I got the husband, I got married, I bought the house, I did the steps.

And then when the baby didn't fall in line, that was really difficult, right.

And you try harder, you work harder, you show up more and it doesn't necessarily produce a good outcome.

That doesn't necessarily mean the baby is gonna happen.

And so that can be really uncomfortable for women to acknowledge that we don't have control over this process when we so desperately want it.

And I think that that is the source of a lot of the burnout frustration that comes from the infertility process.

So the first step to like working through, thinking about the attachments that maybe you might be carrying and holding onto, is to just know that attachment is not inherently like a good or a bad thing.

Like I said, it's part of our human experience to have moments of attachment to things.

The problem becomes when they're very rigid or very inflexible, I actually feel that that starts to lead to what I call suffering.

And I think suffering is an important word.

I wanna kind of clarify what I mean by this, right.

Like the infertility process, a pregnancy loss process is going to have pain.

There's going to be painful moments, painful experiences.

And that is just part of it.

And I can't erase that part.

But there are extra layers of pain that are added on top of that that I call suffering.

I use the word suffering because to me, It's layers of pain that we don't have to experience, but for some reason, something is happening that's kind of almost creating extra pain for us and putting us through that process.

And so my goal with anyone that I'm working with is literally to erase the suffering, right.

I never promise a happy-go-lucky infertility journey.

Like there's going to be pain along the way and we're gonna be able to navigate it and take care of ourselves through that process.

But to eliminate the suffering, wow, that's like a gift.

So that's really the important thing here is when we have these really rigid attachments and we feel stuck to them, we feel unwilling to waver from them, they can lead to extra suffering.

So that's what I think is really important.

And this is not an episode to tell you that you have to eliminate all of your attachments.

That's not what I'm saying.

I'll kind of talk through towards the end how I've experienced my evolution with attachment, but just getting a little bit of movement within them can really, truly decrease your pain experience.

So really this attachment process, it can amplify the pain, it can worsen the pain of infertility, and if we can kind of step back from that, and we can sometimes better manage this process.

There's a couple things that I think can be really helpful.

The first one, it sounds cliche, I know, is honestly to be more mindful.

And I know we all hear that for so many reasons, but it is true, right.

Like if you're going through life so busy, so unfocused on like what is happening in the present moment and distracted, then you're never gonna be able to take a moment to recognize where you have attachments, where they're showing up for you in your journey.

So I think being able to take the moment to just check in with yourself on a regular basis, even if that is for a minute or two every couple of days, to just see how you're feeling, see what's showing up for you, what's worrying you, what's stressing you out, allows you to actually identify these things, right.

Like I was able to identify my attachment to that timeline because I was willing to sit with the pain of, "Oh my God, I'm losing months.

" And then when we really worked through that of, "Why was I so worried about losing a month.

That's just 30 days.

" It was because I had this attachment to a timeline.

So being mindful allows you to recognize where you have your attachments.

And then once we have an awareness of what they are.

That's where we start to work with them.

And I really want to reiterate again, it's not that we delete all of your attachments, but it's that we question them.

We really ask ourselves, is this attachment helpful.

Is this attachment true or useful.

And is there any room at all for flexibility.

And here's the truth.

Sometimes you're going to have an attachment and it is useful, it is true for you and there's no need for any flexibility.

And that just means, okay, I have to accept that holding onto this attachment is going to give me some extra suffering and that's okay.

So for example, the woman I gave you guys example of earlier who was unwilling to use medical support, who was only willing to track her cycle, that was something that felt very important to her, that was something that was part of her values, and she was not willing to be flexible on that.

And that is totally okay, but she had to come to terms with the fact that that was limiting her potential, right.

If there are 40 different ways to bring a baby home, I'm just throwing out a number, right.

Then she is limiting her ways to this one type, any medical type, any surrogacy type, any adoption type, any of these other things were off the table for her, and that felt like the right decision for her, but she had to acknowledge that that was going to create extra pain for her because she was limiting herself, And that's okay as long as you acknowledge it.

Often what I find is we start to question these things and we see truths coming out that are not exactly true.

When I started to question my timeline of, is it really the end of the world if I have a baby after 35.

I started to realize it wasn't.

Yes, the risk of some complications is higher, but I have a team around me to support me and help me through that.

And the risk increase is not as crazy as we think it is.

And I was willing to accept that risk increase, right.

Everyone's different.

Again, you have to ask yourself a view of flexibility, but just having that willingness to extend my timeline, that little bit more flexibility opened up so much relief in my journey, so much less pain and suffering when we had another negative test for another month, because it was just 30 days.

It wasn't the end of the world.

We had multiple years to keep trying.

I wasn't on a timeline that was ticking down anymore.

And that all came from having more flexibility.

Another example is actually pretty different the first example I gave you.

So I've had clients before, I have one I'm specifically thinking of who was very, very set that she was infertile, no ifs or ands or buts, talk about identifying with one thing, and nothing was going to solve her problem except for IVF.

That was the only option and she had gone through three cycles of IVF and they had been unsuccessful and financially she she just couldn't do it anymore.

And so her, in her eyes, her life was over, her trip towards motherhood was over.

IVF hadn't worked, she financially couldn't do it again.

And so now we must just give up.

And working together and questioning that allowed her to open up to maybe, just maybe, there could be some other possibilities.

Maybe just maybe there could be some other ways to think about this.

Maybe just maybe she could focus on how she shows up.

She could really learn more about her cycle and why it's been so irregular all this time.

She could maybe start to regulate some of her insulin levels from her PCOS.

And over a few months of her trialing and airing things that felt like a good idea to her, she was able to get pregnant.

And I mean it when I say if she would have remained attached to this, it's only going to happen through IVF thought.

I don't know that she would have ever done those things and I don't know that she would have ever gotten pregnant.

So this is why it's so important to question these attachments, to build some flexibility to it, these attachments and really consider is there another way.

Another area that I think can be really helpful when it comes to working with your attachments and this one is difficult.

This is the one that I think was so painful to me.

So as I shared earlier, my coach brought up this concept of attachment and it really was a difficult concept for me when we first brought it up.

It was not about my timeline.

it was brought up was that I was in a place where I could not imagine a life.

I mean this when I say this, I could not imagine a life where I didn't have a child.

And so for me, I truly felt that there was no exception.

Like I had to do everything in my power to make this child happen and to consider what it would be like to not have this second child felt unbearable.

Right.

And I know that's hard to hear if you're someone who is just trying for your first.

I'm just being honest, right.

Like I had had my first, I was in the depths of trying for my second and she was really questioning me on this attachment to having to have another child and to consider a life where that second child didn't exist felt impossible.

Like I truly left that call angry because I was unwilling to do it and what I think really helped me come around to this was honestly thinking through the concept of focusing on what I can control.

Right.

If nothing else, infertility teaches us there's a lot, a lot, a lot that is out of our control.

And so I came to the belief that no matter what, at the end of the day, I don't have full control on if the second baby is ever going to show up.

Right.

I can try my darkness, but I don't have full control.

So over time, and I mean it over time, again, like weeks, months, this took time, I got to a place where I was able to accept.

Yes, I really want the second baby to happen, and it's really difficult for me to imagine a life without the second baby happening.

But at the end of the day, I don't have full control over this process.

I can show up as best as I can.

I can take my medications.

I can follow the protocols.

I can take care of my body.

I can take the steps and pray that that results in that second child.

And at the end of the day, that that's all that I can do.

And so really questioning, what can you control and what is out of your control.

and building acceptance for that.

Right.

The last thing I will say here when it comes to things we can focus on, when it comes to thinking about your attachments is truthfully considering some support.

Going to a support group to talk about this can be one way, but honestly, this is something that I think is important enough and unique enough to you to have a non-judgmental person there to support you through this.

and not also be in their pain or grief while they're supporting you is so important that having a coach on your team to help you work through these attachments, talk through these attachments, think through them is so important.

I always think about when I'm coaching someone, I most think about it as like I'm on my own mountain and they're on their own mountain.

And the only difference is that I'm able to see what they're going through from a distance.

So when you're in it, you're in it, you're up close and personal to that mountainside and you see the next couple of rocks in front of you, whereas me, far away, I can see the next mile in front of you.

I can see the mile behind you.

And having that wide view lens of your situation, really helps to open up some awareness that can be really hard to come to on your own.

And I mean that, like I needed my coach to talk through these things to really evolve my thoughts around my own attachments.

So I really encourage you to think about if this is something that you're dealing with, if this is something that feels really strong for you, to consider reaching out, getting some support, I would be happy to support you through that.

So again, this process of having attachments, being attached to things is totally normal.

It's part of the human experience.

It's reasonable that it's going to show up in your fertility journey.

But I think that being able to show up through these areas of mindfulness and creating flexibility and acknowledging what we can control can number one, help decrease suffering.

Number two, help create some more resilience through your journey so that you don't feel also burnout and just feel like a more pleasant way to approach this process.

So I kind of shared a couple examples along the way about my own journey, but the last one that I will share is I really have gotten to a place over the last year, I would say But the pressure for one cycle to have a positive outcome started to disappear.

Like I used to approach, I remember approaching my IUIs like this has to be the one that works.

This cycle has to be the one.

But over time I was able to evolve that and I really think that was my saving grace that that helped me through three failed frozen embryo transfers is when I went through each of those, my thought wasn't this one has to work or it's over.

My thought was something's gonna work soon.

I just know it's coming.

I don't know if it's this one.

I don't know if it's the next one, but it's coming.

I can feel it, it's coming.

and being able to open up my attachment to this second baby from it has to happen this month to it's happening sometime soon.

That's not releasing the attachment fully, but that's giving it more flexibility.

And that was a really, really nice way to go through the last year.

So I leave you with that as again, just a handful of examples of how, I guess, evolving my attachments over time has really been helpful to my own journey.

And I hope you guys can see how these show up and how these can create a lot of pain and how working through them, thinking about them a little bit differently, can truly change your experience of this journey.

So I hope this was helpful.

Thank you so much.

And I'm excited to talk to you all next week.

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