Episode 52: Transcript

You are listening to episode 52 of the Path to Motherhood podcast.

Welcome to the Path to Motherhood podcast.

I'm your host and fertility life coach, Sarah Randell.

Join us each week as we walk through navigating your trying to conceive journey.

My mission is to share the skills of managing your mind, processing emotions, and living a full life to create a more authentic path to motherhood.

(upbeat music) Hello, hello, welcome back to the Path to Motherhood podcast.

This is Sarah, your host talking about all things the emotional roller coaster of infertility and pregnancy loss.

I hope you guys are having a great week.

I'm excited to kind of dive into today's topic.

I was preparing the next couple of weeks of content and thinking about how we just came off of what I would consider a heavier topic.

one that isn't gonna be just really easy to kind of switch your thoughts about overnight.

Right.

So if you don't know what I'm talking about last week's episode, we talked about attachment and how it could actually be beneficial to your journey to release some of the attachment to what we want in our journey.

So attachment to how long it's going to take to get pregnant, attachment to exactly how we are going to get pregnant, an exact attachment to what it's gonna look like.

And we talk a lot about that in the last episode.

So if you haven't listened to that one, make sure you go back and listen to it.

And I will 100% admit that took me time to build that skill.

When I'm talking time, I'm talking like months.

This was not an overnight change for me.

And I was working with a coach working through that.

And so I just wanna share that to say that it doesn't have to be this overnight transition.

And if it feels hard to make those shifts, I feel you, I was there too, I get it.

But it really, really truly has changed how I go about my journey now and how I've been able to experience my journey in the last year, year and a half.

So with that being said, I thought what could be beneficial over the next couple of weeks is to get back to kind of what I would consider the basics and go over some concepts, some ways to think about things that I do think could be a little bit of easier ads quicker changes for you that over time doing these things and building up the skills that we're gonna talk about over the next couple weeks could help you get to a place where you have less attachment to the outcome.

So that's what we're gonna do over the next few weeks and so today we're gonna talk about the oh so loved word of control.

Right.

Like everyone on this dirty is reminded how little we have control over, right.

That is one of the first things I hear from every single one of you that call me, talk to me, and we talk about what's going on in your journey is I feel like I'm out of control.

I feel like I have no control.

I'm not sure what to do because I have no control.

So that's what we're gonna talk about today.

I will actually refer to control in a different term and that is certainty and that's because often I don't think that people really truly want to control the process like they don't want to be Wizard of Oz behind the curtain doing every little step but they want someone to tell them if you follow through on this cycle how you're planning to do it it will give you a positive outcome and so that really is less about control and is more about certainty of the outcome.

And that's really what most of us are seeking.

So often what I see happening is women are like trying to do all the research to find the perfect supplement and they're asking their doctor and they're scrolling the Facebook forums and everything else to try to like figure out what's the perfect protocol and oh my gosh the last two cycles haven't worked.

If this has happened to you what did you change.

What can I change to make this work.

Again, it's less about control and more about what can I do to ensure this is going to be the one that works, right.

Because it's like seeking for that type of certainty assumes a specific thing that I think is really important to understand.

And that assumption that we make when we're doing this type of certainty searching is we're assuming I cannot fathom going through this again.

This has to be the one that works.

This has to be the cycle that works.

This has to be the round that works.

This has to be the one.

All the pressure is here.

This is the one.

No ifs or ands or buts.

Like I don't want to have to go to another one.

And so this is the one that has to work so I have to make sure it's perfect.

I have to do all the exercise perfectly, eat my diet perfectly, my supplements perfectly, not stress, right.

And we all know when we tell ourselves to not stress, we stress ourselves out and do everything perfect so that this is the one that works.

And so I think one of the first steps that we can do when it comes to working with this kind of like seeking for certainty is something we actually talked about last week.

And that is giving yourself permission to allow this to take some time.

And I know, I know that that's hard to hear, right.

Like I, I know because three and a half years into an infertility journey to think that this next month isn't going to finally be the month and I have to be open to the fact that it might be next month or the month after that or the month after that.

I really do get that.

I really, really do.

But what I think we do is we get so focused on how many cycles we've been through while trying, how many months we've been through while trying, how many years we've been through while trying.

We forget the future.

Right.

Like, I have talked to so many women and sometimes it's not me telling them this.

them telling me as they start to think through things, there really is no difference if I get pregnant tomorrow or six months from now in five years, right.

Like in five years from now, if I get pregnant today or in six months from now, it's not going to make a difference.

Now I'm not sitting here wishing upon anyone years and years and years more of infertility.

I'm not.

That's not what I want.

But there is something that happens in your body and your mindset and your approach and just how you feel about the process.

When you're able to drop the pressure of this has to work tomorrow and allow it to open up to, I know this is going to happen sometime soon.

Right.

I'm not telling you we're adding years.

Right.

that for any of you, I really truly don't.

But being willing to allow it to take its own time to an extent is what a lot of us need to drop so much pressure, so much like seeking of control and allow us to just release what is out of our control.

And so today what we're talking about is like number one, how do we do that.

And number two, how is this new way of thinking about it.

Actually, the most beautiful form of certainty that you could ever have.

So that is really what I want to focus on today because changing and shifting your focus on this one concept really can change how you approach every single cycle.

And it can really honestly, like I said, it can drop a lot of pressure off your plate so that you're not feeling like it's the end of the world if this month is the one that didn't work out.

So what am I talking about.

What is the option to create some form of certainty that doesn't come from this control seeking and that is what I call self trust.

It's natural to crave that certainty.

It's totally normal for that to be happening, especially when we're on these like rocky waters of dealing with infertility and loss.

But what I want to advocate for is building really truthfully an unshakable belief that no matter what happens, no matter what cards are dealt, you will be able to make it through.

You'll be able to navigate the challenges, you'll be able to make decisions, and you'll be able to find resilience within yourself through the process.

Now hear me when I say that.

It does not mean it's going to be easy, right.

Because if you've been through painful experiences, you know it's possible for those painful experiences to happen again.

And I'm not telling you that the chance of a loss or the chance of a failed cycle or the chance of another negative test or anything else is going to be easy to navigate.

But I have the belief for you that you have the tools to get through it, to work through it, to emotionally process it, to grieve it, to keep moving through.

And if you build that belief, like if you truly deep down believe that that's possible for you, that allows you to give up on this need for next month having to be the one that works to it's gonna happen soon.

If you think if I go through one more loss, if I go through one more negative test, if I go through one more unsuccessful ache retrieval, I'm not gonna be able to make it, that's the end of me I have to quit, then absolutely, like that puts so much pressure on this process.

And absolutely, that is not gonna allow you to release an and open up to the sometimes soon.

So instead, we have to think, how can I take care of myself the best way I know how while going through hard things.

I'm willing to bet most of you have examples of that.

You've been through hard things already and you've taken care of yourself and made it through those things.

Hold on to that.

You have that skill.

You've built the skill of being able take care of yourself and wade through difficult waters.

So knowing that you've been able to do that means that you can do it again.

Do we want to do it again.

No.

I wouldn't wish it upon anybody.

But again, we don't have that control to decide.

We just don't.

Nobody does.

Everyone who puts themselves out there to love again, to try for a baby again, risks their heart being broken, risks, bad news happening.

And that's just part of the process, right.

Like we can't unfortunately prevent that part.

We don't have the crystal ball.

So instead, the way that we can build our own version of the crystal ball is to know no matter what happens, I believe I can get through it.

And so that's the work that we have to work on.

Right.

The concept can be easy to understand that instead of focusing on controlling every little detail of this cycle to make this one be the one that works, shifting to this self-trust that no matter what happens, I'm going to be okay.

And that allows you to open up to, Hey, this is going to work out sometime soon.

That is what I find most can wrap their head around.

It's the work of building the belief that you do have that self-trust, that you can take care of yourself, that you are compassionate towards what you've been through, that you know how to navigate those waters.

And if you feel doubt in that, then I think it's time to get some support.

I think it's time to have someone on your team to help you learn and see that you absolutely do have that capability, 100%.

Now, are there exceptions to this.

Yes, like I know there are people screaming in the back thinking like, but Sarah, like it's not always that easy.

Yeah, truly it is not, right.

The top one that comes to mind is money.

I wish I could solve the money problem, I really do.

But I know for a fact that, you know, some women have pressure on this next cycle, this next agri-treatment, this next IUI, this next medical treatment has to be the one that works because I literally do not have the finances to do it again.

And I feel for you, I send you all the love.

I wish our healthcare system was different, so that was not the case.

I am here to help you brainstorm ways to get around that, but yes, 100% part of the process, unfortunately.

This is truly for the women who know they could keep going from a financial standpoint, they could keep going from a medical standpoint, but they're questioning deep down, could they keep going from an emotional standpoint.

That's where the work has to be done.

So to review is to say, it is not in your best interest to be scrapping and clawing and fighting for control over your fertility process.

What we need to come back to is self-trust, Knowing that you honestly do have inner wisdom about what is best for you when it comes to making decisions about how to take care of yourself through the next couple months, you have the strength to get through whatever life deals you.

I promise you, that does not mean it's gonna be easy, but you have the ability.

And knowing those two things can help you open up and keep going forward and be willing to take the risk that is putting yourself out there to try to build a family.

So I hope, hope, hope, hope this is helpful and that you guys can start to kind of think through how can I shift from a, this next cycle has to be the one I need to control it and make it perfect to it's gonna happen sometime soon.

If this isn't the one I will make it through, Let's keep moving forward.

Just notice the difference, those phrases sound, right.

The first one feels anxious, stressed, pressured.

Feels like someone like squeezing and holding on so tightly to something that they can't keep in their hand.

Whereas the self trust side of I know I'm gonna get through it no matter what happens, feels very calm.

It feels trusting, right.

And that's where I want us to be.

I want us to be in a calm, trusting place, having some hope, having some apprehension is just gonna be the one, totally normal, but not from a like, the world is over if this isn't the one type of place.

I hope, hope, hope this was helpful.

Again, the work here is building that self-trust.

So if you feel that you're lacking that self-trust, it's time to reach out.

I can help you build it.

I can help you see that it is 100% possible for you.

Click the button in the show notes to apply.

We will hop on a phone call, talk about your story, and we will get to work on building your own self-trust so that you have the perfect form of certainty going in your future infertility journey.

I hope you have a great week, and I will talk to you all next week.

Hey there, Inspired Mama.

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I would love to get this into the ears of anyone who needs to hear it.

If you are ready to step this work up and not only learn these tools, but to apply them to your unique story, head to the link in the show notes apply for a free consult call.

I would be honored to help you.

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