Episode 57: Transcript

You are listening to episode 57 of the Path to Motherhood podcast.

Hello everyone, I'm super excited to be with you today.

I want to start out by saying that I recently just got back from a week-long conference that was so good in New Orleans and I really enjoyed myself but I think just between being far away and the change in the weather coming back to the cold and the late nights of traveling and being up and not sleeping enough I'm getting a little sick so I sound off a little bit today but I want to make sure I get this recorded for you guys so I'm sorry about that but hopefully this won't last too long and we'll get back to the regularly scheduled voice.

Before we kick off with today's episode, I wanted to just say I hope hope hope hope that you guys enjoyed the last three episodes.

I truly believe if I could just gift anyone going through the infertility or pregnancy loss journey with the knowledge from those three episodes, it could change the world.

Like I know that sounds dramatic but truly like that knowledge is what has allowed me to get to where I am now in my journey and without that knowledge, I really don't know that I would be here today.

So it's just very, very important to me and has helped me so much.

And so I just wish that I could share that with everyone.

So if you missed it, if you haven't heard those episodes, if you're just joining, I really recommend going back to them, listening to them.

There's a workbook that you can download for free to go along with those three episodes.

I will link them in the show notes of this podcast.

And if you know someone going through infertility or pregnancy loss, what a great thing to share those couple episodes with them and recommend them.

I really do think they can make a big difference.

Also, I wanted to share, I actually had a couple people reach out to me this week and say like, I saw the value from those episodes and I'm starting to put it together, but I think I'm already ready for a little bit more help.

And they wanted to see what that looked like.

And so I thought I would share that with you guys today, just in case you're thinking about that as well.

What I shared with them, which is what I thought I would share with you is, when you are feeling ready for more support on your team, Reach out, message me like they did, or you can click the link in the show notes to apply to work with me.

All that that does is it means that we're gonna hop on a free call to talk with each other.

And really, that's just aimed at us getting to know each other better.

I learn about your story, what your goals are.

I share about my methods of coaching and really just help you come up with a decision of if working with a coach is the right fit for you.

And sometimes it's not.

I will be 100% candid about that.

Like if it doesn't seem like it's going to be the right fit, I will be honest about that and sometimes make recommendations for other options.

But when it is, I explain, you know, what that would look like, how that would kind of play out.

And if you're ready to go, then we get you plugged into my schedule.

So if you've been on the fence and you have really been thinking about it, click a pie.

Let's get to know each other.

Let's chat and see where maybe that could take you.

what it would look like if you're listening to this live to go through the holiday season this year with someone on your support team.

I know that that was a season that was really hard for me every year so just imagine what it would be like to have someone on your side.

But without further ado I want to focus on today's topic.

It's October 23rd I believe when this is going live which means we're smack dab in the midst of October which is pregnancy and infant loss Awareness Month and I wanted to at least have something to share about loss.

I think it's, you know, important being in the role that I am in to raise awareness about this type of thing.

And full disclosure, I have an author who has this amazing book that I want to have on the podcast and it's honestly a lot about loss, but I'm not someone who likes to just have people on who doesn't know anything about them.

I like to actually have read the books of the people that I have on here that have written a book and I'm telling you what it has been a busy couple months so I'm behind.

So I'm reading her book I just just was able to start it recently and I won't have it done to be able to have a podcast by October.

So she'll be coming soon and I think she will have a lot of value to add to the conversation but I didn't want to go through October without having some conversation about this.

And so as I'm reading that book and reflecting on my own experience, it's prompted me to want to have this conversation.

And if you're just tuning in or you just haven't happened to listen to the episodes where I do share my story, I'm Sarah.

I'm an infertility in pregnancy loss life coach for women going through that journey and helping support them.

I got to this work because I've been through this.

I have been pregnant multiple times.

I'm actually currently pregnant for the fifth time.

We had an appointment yesterday and it's something that I'm pretty aware of, right.

Like I know that, but when the medical assistant like said, so you guys have been pregnant five times, I think that really kind of was a little bit shocking for my husband to hear, right.

Like you would love to think that if you've been pregnant five times you have a lot to show for it.

And so yeah, it's just something that I don't think he thinks about it like that often and to hear that was a little bit jarring for him.

But we've been pregnant five times.

We have one living daughter.

We've had three losses and pray that this one makes it earthside.

And we've honestly run the gamut of fertility treatment types.

So I share about my own story on here.

I share about other stories on here.

And I help you just come up with ideas to help you navigate the chaos that is an infertility journey.

And something that I think is so important is for those of us that are willing to share, to share our story.

When I say that willing to share, if you're not there, if you're not ready, do not feel like these awareness months, these awareness days, whatever, are putting the pressure on you to have to share.

Because that is never what I want, or I think many of the organizations behind these awareness activities want for it to be, right.

Like we understand that there are people who are just not there, may never be there.

That just may not be their way of navigating this.

Now that said, I do think that it can be so beneficial to talk through something, even if it's just with one person, even if you make a connection with one person who's also been through it and you talk with each other, sharing your story out loud can be really beneficial for both the other person and you.

But that being said, I do think there's something to be said for those of us who are able and willing to share our story out loud.

Just because infertility and especially loss is such a misunderstood world.

And to be able to share those stories to help those who don't know anyone who's been through it feel less alone, to know that what they're feeling, what they're going through, their experiences are not crazy, are not wrong, are not a problem, and to just have some guidance of what it may look like, acknowledging that it's different for all of us.

And I hope that sharing our stories will, in a way, educate those who have never had to go through it.

And that's That's why I'm grateful for these Awareness Months.

Again, I never share my story in a way to pressure you to do the same.

So that's not what I'm doing.

But I do think, you know, I was reminded of this as I read this current book, how helpful it is to hear other women's stories.

When I delivered my daughter, I decided, this is again another example of how everything is different for everyone.

I decided with her I wanted to attempt to go unmedicated.

I wasn't sold on the fact that like I couldn't change my mind.

I was open to that if I decided nope I do need to take some medication.

I was open to that but I wanted to attempt to go without and the thing that was able to help me more than anything else prepare was not reading any book on the how-to's or breathing treatments or protocols or the why this is important or why you should do this, none of that.

It was literally just hearing the stories of other women.

So I would listen to podcasts where they would just tell their birth stories.

Some of them used medication.

Some of them didn't.

I would read stories of women's birth stories and to absorb that information was just so beneficial to help me feel more prepared going into my own journey.

And I think the same thing is true here.

So that's what I plan to do today is really honestly reflect on our losses.

Feels like a heavy thing.

It's been about a year since I did a big podcast really talking about that.

And a year since I did anything like, how do I wanna say this.

I don't know, I guess just really specific for our losses.

And the reason being is that a year ago in October, we were approaching our first embryo transfer and I felt this need to honor our three losses before going into the transfers.

And so I did a pregnancy loss ceremony, which I actually have an episode about.

I can link in the show notes.

And that was really beneficial for both myself and my husband to reflect and honor and speak to the importance of those beautiful babies that could have been, and that I love still very much to this day.

And yeah, I haven't really talked about it too, too much since then, so I thought it might be time.

And it is an interesting experience to be actively pregnant, to be balancing the anxiety and the emotions of I hope this all goes okay, with the current pregnancy and honoring the past.

That is a heavy thing to be holding.

And I know many of you listening have probably experienced something similar.

So just know that it's not an easy process.

I'm not doing this and not having any heaviness coming up.

I'm just wanna be honest about that.

But when I look back at my losses, my first one was our first pregnancy.

Our first pregnancy resulted in a loss.

And as much as I already had my eyes open to the fact that, hey, this pregnancy thing and getting pregnant isn't gonna be as easy as it is for others, right.

It already took many months to get pregnant, took medications to get pregnant, ovulation meds.

Once I got pregnant, I was pretty positive.

I was pretty hopeful I was in that blissful place.

And when the bleeding started and the miscarriage began, That was really tough.

And the interesting thing about that first loss is it was very blindsided.

I felt very alone.

And I say this as someone who used to be a PA working in an ER and would see women go through miscarriage on a weekly basis.

And I still felt alone.

I felt broken.

I wanted to beat up whatever it was that made this happen in my body, even though my scientific brain knew that that wasn't the case.

Logically, my brain was saying, hey, there was probably something wrong genetically and it wasn't meant to be a live birth.

That doesn't take away the pain.

That doesn't take away the frustration.

It doesn't take away the questions.

Going through loss makes you worried about everything going into the future.

And yeah, that was our first experience.

Another thing I think about when it comes to our first loss is that we had started sharing that we were pregnant.

So we had family and friends that knew that we were going through a loss and we received a lot of support.

And what I mean by that is meals, cards, you know, messages coming and sitting with us, hugs, all the stuff.

And it was meaningful.

And I don't think it took away the pain or anything like that, but it was nice to know that there were people there that cared and were around us.

But that was a stark difference to the other losses.

And that was something that I definitely noticed.

So our daughter came from our second pregnancy and we probably dove into trying again sooner than the average person just because we knew we had trouble getting pregnant.

And I was just hoping, okay, we had a baby, it was successful, we had to use medications, let's do that process again, it's gonna work.

And it didn't, right.

we navigated multiple months of infertility and negative tests.

And as much as honoring infant and pregnancy loss is about the loss of a pregnancy, going through infertility month after month, if you've never been through a loss, is a loss.

And I just wanna say that, right.

Like going through the pain of what could have been for all of these cycles and it never working out, that's a loss, that's grief.

And it's okay to honor that.

we did end up getting pregnant within the first year of trying, or it was really both of them were like late in that first year of trying for our second, twice.

And both of those pregnancies ended in a miscarriage.

And the first one, I would say, I think I was almost there.

I would say I think I was almost a little bit in denial of my pain, a little bit in denial of my grief.

I think at that one I thought, okay, I've been here, I've done this.

The next cycle we got pregnant and had a beautiful baby.

If I'm able to do that this time, it will all be okay.

Almost as if I was trying to trick myself into thinking, if I have that baby in my arms, then I won't have to grieve the pain of this and almost avoiding that pain.

So that's really how I think I navigated that second loss.

And then within a couple months we got pregnant again.

That time of course ended again in a miscarriage and that time I couldn't be in denial anymore.

That time I officially felt 100% on the wrong side of statistics when they say one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage and I'm sitting at one in four pregnancies actually being successful, that was hard.

And it made me, I think my body honestly made me stop and just acknowledge all of the heavy emotions that were going on.

I felt depleted.

I felt burnout.

I felt so frustrated.

I was questioning everything.

I was wondering if I was ever going to be able to get through this.

I was wondering why my body was broken.

and I was wondering why this wasn't working.

Honestly, it was a really, really heavy time.

I started to tell myself it would be bad of you to get pregnant 'cause you're just gonna miss Carrie.

I used to think about like, how can I punish myself for what has happened.

What do I have to do to fix myself for this to not happen again.

Yeah, it was probably the lowest low of our journey.

and the low that pushed me towards seeking support.

And I wanna share that just because, you know, I would love for all of you to not have to get to that low of a low before you get support.

But if that's where you are, I understand 'cause I was there.

I didn't feel comfortable.

I don't even know that I really realized was an option to reach out for support before then.

But at that time and at that low of a low, I felt like I didn't know how to stand on my own without support.

And so I went seeking for it in so many directions.

And as I mentioned, we got a lot of kindness and support after our first miscarriage from family and friends.

It's not that they weren't kind and respectful the second and the third time, but we didn't get the calls, we didn't get the messages, we didn't get cards, we didn't get meals, we didn't get mementos.

And I don't even know that I'm trying to say that I expected them to or that they have to, right.

Like I get that it's hard to take on someone else's pain.

I guess just, I'm just sharing in case there's something you're going through, how much even more alone you can feel when you've gone so far down the pain rabbit hole that people don't feel comfortable to comfort you anymore.

And as much as we talk about on here, how comparison isn't helpful, I learned that through comparison.

I would connect with people who had maybe been through a loss once in their life And then we're sitting there with five kids, six kids, happy, healthy life, not having had to spend any money on fertility treatments.

And then say things like, "Oh yeah, I know where you've been, it's hard.

" And your brain goes to comparison.

I know it does.

And I would get so frustrated and think, "You have no idea where I've been.

You have no idea.

" Like look at you and all that you have, I would be grateful to be in your shoes and look at me and where I am.

And so I just share that to say that like, I've been there.

I've been on the lowest of the low.

I've been feeling burnout and questioning, can I keep going.

I have been on the bad side of the painfulness of comparison.

And it's a tough place to be.

I would question at times, how long is this gonna take.

When am I gonna stop grieving this.

Now I know there's never gonna be a time when I'm done.

I'm always going to wonder what could have been with those three beautiful children.

Yeah, they're always gonna be part of my life.

The pain, the grief hasn't been 100% as heavy the entire time.

I shared that just to give you some reassurance, but that takes time and it's different for all of us.

And for some of us, we feel we have to go through many weeks, months of grief before we can move on to trying again.

Others feel the pressure to move right back in.

And I don't think there's any one answer that's right or any one answer that's wrong.

I think it's truly what feels safe for you.

But speaking of the gift of sharing your story, Being here in this space of managing your grief and honoring your losses can be such a beautiful space to begin the story sharing process because having the ability to open up with someone is a healing process.

I talk a lot about on here about processing your emotions.

And I really think that second miscarriage was me not processing my emotions, and that third miscarriage was a long pause of me having to catch up on processing so many emotions.

And it can look so many different ways.

It can be through meditation, can be walking with yourself and just thinking about your body.

It can be so many different things, but one way that is processing your emotions is talking about it, getting it out of your body, writing about it.

Those can be such beneficial ways.

So that's what I would share as what really helped me to come out of there was I got support, I hired my own coach that helped me through things, think about things, consider different ways to think about things.

I talked about it, I went to a support group which was semi-effective to the point that I ended up creating my own support group and really just let the grief happen.

without any expectations of how long it should take.

And two years ago, we started working with our fertility clinic, and we decided to go ahead and try with IUIs, and I got my hopes up every single time.

And I was so excited.

And again, those negatives are still a loss.

That was very tough.

And then we decided on IVF, and like I said, a year ago, I had just done my egg retrieval.

I knew I had four embryos.

I was probably in the midst of waiting for PGT results.

I was preparing to go into this embryo transfer as hopeful as possible, as positive as possible, believing in the possibility and our journey Delta III failed embryo transfers.

And I consider those part of my loss story.

Those were three chances at a baby.

three beautiful well-grown embryos that my husband and I poured our soul, our time, our finances into.

And we went through the process and it was unsuccessful.

And that was hard to go through a failed transfer in October, in January, a mock transfer in February, March, a failed transfer in April.

and knowing we were down to only one embryo left.

The big difference I think about in my story between having gone through the two miscarriages and then these embryo losses were truly my mindset.

My approach, me taking care of me in a way that allowed me to not feel burnout, allowed me to honor my emotions, It allowed me to keep going.

And I'm grateful to her.

I'm grateful to past me that was willing to get the support and put in the work to take care of myself so that I could keep going.

Because only through that is why I'm here today.

Is why I'm able to sit here and tell you that we are pregnant with that fourth embryo.

And like I said, I went to an appointment yesterday and they say things like, oh, it's a blessing in disguise when we talk about how the fourth embryo worked.

She said, do you have any more.

And I said, no, we had four embryos, the first three failed.

This was our last one, unfortunately, 'cause gosh, wouldn't be nice to have some embryos left behind to go back and transfer in the future.

And for her to just downplay it to, oh, a blessing in disguise, I'm like, what's the blessing, right.

Like, what about those three losses was a blessing.

I'm not following here.

And yeah, I think that's just why it's, again, it just pushes me to share my story more and more because people don't understand.

They say things without thinking.

They've never been through it, even if they work with those types of patients on a day-to-day basis.

And I just hope that one person maybe hears this story and develops a little bit more empathy for those around them going through this.

That's really what I have to share.

As I said, it's an interesting place to be pregnant and hopeful and to be honoring loss at the same time.

I've had people tell me, I can't believe you're reading a book all about pregnancy loss while you're pregnant.

And I can get that.

Now I think I work in this space I support women through this on a regular basis so it feels natural to me but I can get that.

And I guess what I acknowledge is that the pain of these losses that I've been through in our journey is never going away.

It's always going to be there in some capacity.

It would be inauthentic of me to not be thinking of them and honoring them even here, even now while pregnant.

There's There's no such thing as a baby that replaces a previous loss.

Nope, doesn't happen.

And I think the beauty of the children that I am grace to have on this earth is only going to remind me of what could have been even more of what I've lost.

And I acknowledge that that's a beautiful gift that I get to have those children earthside to remind me of that because not everyone does.

Some of you listening may have never seen a positive test, may have never had a successful pregnancy.

And for that, I don't know what to say other than I am sorry.

I wish, I wish that I could solve that for you.

But one thing that I do know is that if you're invested in this and you wanna keep going forward, taking care of yourself, honoring your pain, acknowledging your loss and grief and supporting yourself is the only way that you'll be able to keep going.

So that is what I have to share in honor of October and pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.

I really hope that you guys found this helpful and just to hear someone else's story.

I would love to hear your stories.

please feel free to share them with me privately.

Feel free to tag this episode and share your story if you want to publicly.

And just know I'm thinking of all of you and I would love to give you all a big hug.

And I will be back with you next week for another episode of the Path to Motherhood podcast.

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