Episode 65: Transcript

You are listening to episode 65 of the Path to Motherhood podcast.

Welcome to the Path to Motherhood podcast.

I'm your host and fertility life coach, Sarah Brandell.

Join us each week as we walk through navigating your trying to conceive journey.

My mission is to share the skills of managing your mind, processing emotions, and living a full life to create a more authentic path to motherhood.

Hello, hello, and welcome back to the Path to Motherhood podcast.

I'm so happy to have you here with me.

I am currently in my office bundled up with a soft blanket because it is the middle of December and I'm cold.

So I was actually thinking the blanket actually might help improve sound quality because Being against like hard walls and stuff isn't so great for the podcast, but anyways, I am trying to stay warm, bundling up and yeah, getting things done.

I decided, I actually had something else planned for this week and that'll come out soon, but I decided I wanted to just record a last minute episode to come out next week because it's been on my mind.

It's been something I've been talking about with clients like quite a bit over the last couple weeks and yes, the holiday season is well on its way, but hopefully this will catch you at a time where you can take this information and benefit you.

So whether that is that you do hear this next week and you, you know, take it into advice when it comes into the remainder of all the holiday events or if you hear this years into the future and you remember this information to help you with that, whatever it is, I'm hoping this little quick conversation today will help you navigate a stressful time.

And what I'm speaking about when I say stressful time is interactions we have with people around us.

And so this comes up during the holidays just because we see so many people during the holidays, there's so many events and parties and get-togethers and gatherings for work and family and friends and everything.

And so this just tends to be a time where we have a lot of interactions with each other and then end up having a lot of conversations.

But it's not the only time this happens.

This happens all year round.

There's holidays all year round.

There's birthday parties.

There's baby showers.

There's gatherings.

There's events.

There's reasons to get together.

So this applies to all of those.

And what I've been talking about with clients is a lot about how they feel in the moment and what they feel safe saying or not saying in the moment.

And what I've recognized is that this is a really common kind of people-pleasing spot.

And we've talked about that on other episodes, but what I noticed is that people seem to want to put their concerns for the person they're talking to's emotions first before themselves.

Now this isn't everyone.

I do think that there's a point that you get to in your journey where you're so fried and so burnout and so frustrated that like you don't care what you say and how it affects anyone else.

You just blurt it out and I totally get that.

But a lot of women I talk to actually think about what the other person is going to say and how they're going to interact and then they respond based on that.

And sometimes it's in the best interest of yourself.

Sometimes it's in the best interest of the other person.

So whether that is saying something that you just know will get them to be appeased and move on, whether that is saying something that's not even true just because you want to get out of the conversation, whether that is divulging information about your journey, you were not comfortable divulging whatever that is.

I just want to talk about what I want to give you permission to do.

And so what I have had happen in all of the reviews of these types of conversations over the last few weeks with clients is they come to me and they say like, I said this, but that really didn't feel that good.

It wasn't what I wanted to say.

It's just what came out.

And now after the fact, I kind of regret it.

So this is something that we talk about and then we coach about and we talk through and we work through and we come up with plans for the future.

And a common trend that is happening is people are saying things that they regret just because they either want to get out of the situation or they want to appease the situation rather than just being honest.

And so what I've done is I've asked these clients when we're talking about it, in the moment, if you could put yourself back into the moment when they were saying something to you, right.

When they were asking, "Where are you on your journey.

" When they were asking, "Have you started trying to have kids.

" and they were asking, how is it going.

Whatever the question, what was like your initial thought in that moment.

Often, what I hear from so many of the clients that I've talked to about this, they say things like, I don't wanna talk about it, I don't wanna get into this, this isn't something I wanna talk about with you, I'm not ready to share, something along those lines.

But what they end up saying is something different.

they end up saying, "Oh, you know, it's happening," or I've had a client who like ended up admitting that she's going through IVF and that it's been really stressful and she's had a lot of setbacks, et cetera, and she like regrets even opening up about that.

It was not something that her and her partner were planning to share with this person.

And she just feels like she almost felt forced into sharing that information.

Another example is someone who actually just said, "No, I'm not trying.

"Like, we're not trying right now.

" When that is really untrue, like she's actively taking medications and shots and things to be trying, but she knew if she said that, they would stop probing, they would stop asking questions and it would end the conversation.

And so that was just what came out.

But every time when I asked these clients, what were you thinking.

It's always something else.

It's always, I don't wanna be talking about it.

I'm not ready to be talking about it, et cetera.

But for some reason, they don't feel safe in the moment to say that.

And so that's what this episode is about.

That is the purpose of this episode, is to give you permission.

Permission to be honest, whatever is coming up, whatever thought you have in that moment and that interaction of that comment, that question, that unsolicited advice, whatever it is, I'm giving you permission to be honest.

If your initial thought is, "I don't want to be talking about this," then say that.

Say, "Actually, this isn't something I'm really running to talk about right now.

" That is totally fine.

That is you setting an appropriate fair and realistic boundary about a topic you're not ready to share about.

If it is, "I'm just not ready to share about this," say that.

Whatever is the phrasing that comes up to you, this doesn't have to come off as mean.

This doesn't have to come off because I've had some clients be like, I don't know, like, you know, it's a close family member.

They're going to be offended that I don't want to include them.

And I'm like, no, this is a journey with you and perhaps your partner if you have a partner, and that's it.

And that's all that really needs to know what's going on until you're ready to share more if ever ready to share more.

And so I give you permission to say, no, thank you.

I give you permission to say what you're thinking.

I know that that can be scary.

I know that that can be, it just feels like it's not the right thing to do or like it's going to upset some people.

And here's the thing, that's the thing about boundaries is that we don't have to be pleasing the other person when we do them.

So there's a chance that you do this and they're annoyed and they keep pushing back.

And I've talked to clients about that, that if that happens, then it is our right to walk away from the situation.

It is our right to remove ourselves from the situation.

This is where teaming up with your partner to support you.

And what I mean by that is like you check in on each other throughout these types of events.

This is where if you do have someone that knows about what's going on in your life, right, like if that's a friend or a family member, for example, for me, like my mom knew a lot of what was going on, but she knew I didn't want to talk about it a ton.

And so sometimes she would come and act as the buffer to like shut down other people from bringing the topic up.

So if I were ever in a situation where I'd say, actually, I don't want to talk about that and they kept pushing back, she probably would have been one of the first people to come in there and be like, hey, let's go do this over here and like pull them away from the conversation.

And so it's great to have people on your team like that.

If you have it, if not, you're allowed to walk away.

We do not have to go about our day to day life, navigating something as hard as infertility and pregnancy loss, and be 100% focused on how to keep other people happy.

I am giving you permission to take care of yourself.

Be honest.

Share what you're truly thinking and it's totally okay.

So like I said, this is a quick episode.

I'm not going to keep you on here long.

There's been some longer ones recently, but I just wanted to share that.

I wanted to remind you about that mid-December or whenever you are listening to this.

When you are into a conversation with someone and they are probing at you and you're not ready to share, be honest and that is totally fine.

I hope this helps some of you going into your next conversations with people and I will talk to you all next week.

Hey there, Inspired Mama.

If you enjoyed this show, I want to invite you to leave a review in your podcast player.

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I would love to get this into the ears of anyone who needs to hear it.

If you are ready to step this work up and not only learn these tools but to apply them To your unique story, head to the link in the show notes to apply for a free consult call.

I would be honored to help you.

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