Episode 69: Transcript

You are listening to episode 69 of the Path to Motherhood podcast.

Welcome to the Path to Motherhood podcast.

I'm your host and fertility life coach, Sarah Brandell.

Join us each week as we walk through navigating your trying to conceive journey.

My mission is to share the skills of managing your mind, processing emotions, and living a full life to create a more authentic path to motherhood.

Hello, hello, and welcome to another week of the Pats and Motherhood podcast.

I'm your host, Sarah.

I am hanging out here in my office, covered up with a blanket.

It is cold out.

It's a beautiful day.

It's sunny, but it's cold.

I just got back from some errands.

I had to do some blood work, actually, and it took a while.

I had to have like an hour wait between appointments.

And so I actually went to like a local small mall in my area this morning and did some mall walking because I was like, I feel like getting a walk in but I'm just not in the mood to be cold.

And it was great.

It worked out perfectly.

And it was just me and all the old people doing their daily mall walk.

It was nice.

You could tell that they were like, we don't normally see you, you look different because they probably come on a regular basis, but I got a half hour walk in, went back to my other appointment, all is good.

So as I was thinking about episodes for this month and new beginnings and getting on the right foot and getting started with a new trying to conceive journey from a empowered place, something I thought about is a couple years back in January, about this time I was just coming back from a trip and going through a pregnancy loss.

And it was my third one.

We were about a year into trying for our second and I had just gone through two back to back miscarriages and it was one of the lowest points in my journey, honestly.

And I thought back to that point because if someone would have come to me and said, "Hey, let's just start new beginnings and start over and refresh our journey," at that point, I think I would have been like, screw you.

And so I thought about this episode being the one to help those of you who feel stuck.

Doesn't matter if it's in January or any other time when you're listening to this.

If you feel stuck in your journey, I want this episode to be the one to help you get out of that stuckness because that can be a really crappy place to be.

And so that is what we're gonna talk about today.

And what I think people that are outside of infertility don't realize is we don't just magically land here, right.

We have months, years potentially of negative cycles, of losses, of treatments, of tests, whatever your journey is, all of that adds up and it's our own version of kind of like trauma, honestly, that we've been through that's colored the way that we see our future.

It is what our brain uses to kind of tell us the future is going to go.

You know, our brain likes to be efficient, so it scans the past to see how things have gone and uses that to tell us what's possible.

So if you look at your past and it's been full of negativity, then that's what you're going to expect in your future.

And if we've learned anything this month in the last few episodes, it's that we've got to poke holes in that theory.

your past does not have to 100% define your future.

You can have a new future.

So think about when you were a baby, right.

Like when you were a baby at some point, you had to learn how to walk.

And I always think about if you would have fallen for the 15th time and been like screw it, never made it work, never happened.

I just keep falling.

Clearly, this is never going to work for me.

I'm just not going to be a walker.

Right.

Like we don't do that.

We stumble, we fall, we stumble, we fall, we learn as we stumble, we fall.

We fall again, we learn some more.

We try again, we learn some more.

We take one single step and fall and learn some more.

And this is how we grow.

This is how we get to what we're going after.

And I don't think we think about that in infertility much because I think that it's a place where we don't want to put a bunch of ownership on the person going through it as if it's your fault.

And I don't mean for that to be the case.

I really don't believe that it's your fault.

But there is something to be said for getting through it, to going through the motions, to going through the process, to showing up that's going to get you to the light at the end of the tunnel.

There is grit involved here.

There is determination involved here.

And so that concept, it doesn't show up just in infertility.

It doesn't just show up in learning to walk.

It shows up in work and careers and entrepreneurship and sports, right.

And I think that thinking about it in that way could be really helpful.

And so that's kind of how I'm approaching today's topic is how do we get unstuck.

We actually want to start to learn from our failures.

I think about that often when I think about the type of clients that I tend to attract.

So a lot of you when you're coming to me, You are women who have been go-getters.

You have got stuff done.

You did well in school.

You built amazing careers.

You put hard work in.

It wasn't that it came easy.

You put hard work in, but you reaped the benefits of that.

And the problem is, is that this, all this concept, this association of if I do hard work, good things happen.

It comes to a halt when you get into your fertility journey.

You can try as hard as you want.

You can think as positively as you want.

You can control every little detail that you possibly can.

And that doesn't necessarily 100% control this process.

And that can be extremely jarring, right.

Like if I keep putting in the work, I get what I want time and time and time again through all my experiences.

And now I get to infertility and that's just not the case.

And so this starts to make us question, what's wrong with me.

Why can't I make this happen.

Why am I broken.

and we start to feel stuck.

So if you feel stuck, if you feel like super stuck in a like whole of doubt, just know you're not alone.

A lot of women end up here somewhere on their journey.

It's actually super common.

And we're gonna talk about how to get out of that hole today.

And before I do that, I just wanna share, like I said, I've been there.

I've absolutely been stuck before.

I've been 100% in a place where I felt, why am I even doing this.

Questioning if this is even gonna work.

Wondering, can I even potentially take another step, try another cycle.

Like I literally don't know if I could do it.

Using other people's stories to show why they have it all together and I'm broken.

I think that that is nice to know because if you are there, if you're feeling stuck, if you're feeling heavy, if you're feeling like you can't keep going, then don't feel like something's wrong, don't feel like you're broken, don't feel like this is a place where you can't get out of it.

No, like this is 100% the time where if you show up and if you do this work that I'm gonna talk about in the rest of this episode, you can become a new empowered version of yourself that's willing to keep moving through this journey.

That is possible.

That feels determined.

That feels like it's worth going through this.

And one of the things that I love to use to get me started on that path is to use other people's stories.

To use other people's stories as a source of inspiration.

I think we often can get tied up in this.

Pregnancy announcements, birth, baby showers, All of this stuff being depressing, being bad news, but honestly what I hold on to is every time someone announces to me that they're pregnant, every time I hear about someone that's pregnant, I'm reminded of miracles do happen.

Every time I hear someone who is in this infertility, pregnancy loss community having success, that is a sign that it's possible for me too.

And I hold on to that tightly, tightly.

I really hope that you will too.

What I'm going to do is I'm going to walk you through kind of, I guess nine steps is kind of how it worked out of what I think you can do to get yourself out of being stuck.

And the first thing that I want to say is that feeling stuck is a super limiting thought, right.

We talk about limiting beliefs.

I'm stuck.

This isn't going to work.

These are really limiting give up type energies.

And it's nothing's gone wrong if your brain is offering you those.

That's not what I'm saying.

But I want you to consider rewording it.

And I know rewording and people are like, "What's the difference.

" It matters.

Words matter.

And so instead of telling yourself, "I'm stuck," instead of having that give up type energy, I want you to switch this to, I don't see the path forward.

Right.

Like I don't know how to keep going and what this does is this allows your brain to consider.

Hmm, maybe there could be a path forward.

I just don't know what it is yet.

And our brain loves to solve problems.

So rather than being in the all or nothing, I'm stuck.

This is never gonna work.

Nothing end of the cycle that we've talked about earlier this month.

What I want you to try is to open that up loosen that up a little bit and consider Hmm, maybe I just don't know the path forward This allows your brain to start thinking about hmm.

Why might I be stuck right now.

What could be some solutions.

Why am I here.

Is there a way to get out of this actually getting into problem-solving mode rather than give up mode.

So step one literally is just rewording going from give up energy to problem-solving energy Going from I'm stuck - I don't see the path forward Number two is an interesting one.

I don't think we do this often.

I really don't It's something that I've learned from business honestly But it is really impactful and you're trying to conceive journey and that is we need to evaluate We do this I think a little bit like post a cycle sometimes, right.

Like if you have a meeting with your provider post cycle where it didn't work Maybe you do a little bit of this evaluation, but I want you to be doing this more often So I want you to take some time and ask yourself What right now is working.

What is not working and what do I need to do differently.

and This is so important and I don't mean just Like what medicines are working to get me pregnant because you'll just your brain won't go to like nothing.

I'm not pregnant, right.

But I mean like literally in the day-to-day of getting through the journey What is working.

What is not working and what should I do differently.

Maybe you are checking in with your partner and you're sharing how you're feeling and that's working for you and that's helping you emotionally Manage what's going on.

Maybe you're not maybe you're bottling all of your emotions and stuff up and you're feeling very bogged down And you're feeling very burnout.

Maybe that's what's not working So ask yourself and always start with what is working.

There's always something even if it's small That's working on this journey.

So maybe that is hey, I've started this new supplement and it's regulating my cycle.

I Have started this new lifestyle habit of taking walks and it's really helping me feel better in my body and that's working whatever the thing, I want you to come up with a list of what is working, then ask yourself, what's not working for me.

What's not going well.

Maybe it's your clinic.

Maybe it's time to switch.

Maybe it is like, for example, like some type of thing you're doing, you're doing fertility massage, or you're doing acupuncture, and you just really haven't found it to be helpful.

Maybe that's not working for you.

Take stock of what you're doing and ask yourself, what's working, what's not working.

working, what should I do differently.

And no, here, it can be really hard to do this.

When our brain wants to be an I'm stuck, I'm giving up energy, 100% negativity, to go to problem solving mode can feel painful.

To offer to your brain, hey, you're not actually stuck, there are some things to think about here, can really be hard to do.

So if you're going about step two and you're working on evaluating and it's feeling difficult, if it's feeling painful, don't be surprised by that.

That's okay.

It's no big deal.

Sometimes we have to do things that feel uncomfortable to get us moving forward.

So even though it's uncomfortable, even though you wanna keep saying I'm stuck, this isn't gonna work, this is stupid, this is a waste of my time, force yourself to sit down and do this evaluation.

Another thing that I think is important here is expectations.

Often when I'm working with clients, they talk about I gotta do all these tasks, I gotta do this, this, this, and this, so we can find the answer, so we can fix that one thing so that we can get pregnant.

As if there was one silver bullet, one single thing that if I fix this, this is gonna be the thing that's gonna solve our problem and bring the baby to us.

And I don't want you to see this evaluation process as that.

I want you to see this as when I go about thinking about what could I do differently.

What could I do differently next week that will make next week 1% better than this week.

Make me feel more able to cope with all the emotions coming up in this journey, more able to process this one step closer to finding our baby.

So it doesn't have to be this one silver bullet that solves all our problems.

It can be a small adjustment.

Don't hold yourself to that expectation that it has to be this big ordeal.

It can be a small thing.

Number three is to look for progress.

This is similar to what's working, but now this is ongoing as we're starting to take new actions.

We're gonna ask ourself, what's progress.

What's going well.

Maybe it potentially could be just, oh my goodness, I felt slightly less anxious this cycle.

I actually had a moment of hope this cycle.

We need to celebrate that.

We need to enjoy that.

Remember, our brain is stuck in that negativity cycle.

We have to give equal airtime to positivity.

We have to pull our brain out of negativity into the middle, where we acknowledge negativity, but we also give it focus on positivity.

So look for any signs of progress that you can find along the way.

Number four, this one is important, is to really focus on taking back your power.

And what I mean by this is we can get spun out in these huge spirals of like all the things we wish we could do this over here and this and this and maybe we should do that and maybe this and maybe that and like all this stuff 'cause we're trying to control and we're reading five different books and working with this person over here, following three different gurus and working with our doctor and doing this and following what our friends had to do because we're just trying desperately to control this situation.

And so I want you to come back to the drawing board.

I want you to sit down and I want you to notice what do I have within my control and let everything else go.

What is within my control.

How can I be an advocate for myself.

How can I take control of where I can take control and focus there and release the rest.

So take back your power, hold on to your responsibility, but don't expect yourself to be able to control this process completely because you can't.

Number five.

From here, we've talked about kind of reframing how we're thinking about being stuck.

We've talked about starting this evaluation process.

We've talked about coming up with ideas of things to do differently.

So I want you to start doing them.

I want you to take new action.

I want you to try things differently.

Make those small adjustments.

It's so easy to go through autopilot, right.

just going through the motions and just keep saying I'm stuck and just proving I'm stuck.

This process is doomed.

This is impossible.

There's no point.

This is never gonna work.

I don't want to evaluate because I'm stuck.

Remember it's hard to evaluate when you feel stuck.

We have to force ourselves to do it.

We have to come up with small adjustments and we implement.

We go out and we implement and we look for signs of progress.

We look for miniature wins.

That is our job.

That That is where we can take the control, is we can take those actions.

One thing that we really have to do when we're doing this process is we have to keep reevaluating, keep checking in.

That is number six, is you take one adjustment, you see if you got any positivity or change in your experience from that, and then you reevaluate, and then you do it again, and again, and again.

And I got told this so many years ago a totally different journey, but you don't fail if you don't give up.

Now this is not toxic positivity like, "I'm burnout.

I can't do it.

I'm broke.

I can't do it, but I'm going to keep going.

" No, but there's something to be said for that, right.

To keep going, to be determined, to keep trying, to evaluate, make an adjustment, and keep moving forward is what's going to bring you success.

And so we have to go through the motions of evaluation, small adjustment, attempt, evaluate, small adjustment, attempt, acknowledge the small wins along the way.

And this process is hard.

If you're in the pits of despair like I was, if you're feeling like I'm never going to get out of this, this is never going to work, I get it.

I honestly couldn't get out of that myself.

I asked for help.

And I think that that is so important.

Number seven is to get help.

Because when you're in it, when you're emotionally burdened, having someone outside of you, help you through this process can be so beneficial.

They're not wrapped up in your emotional drama, the way you are.

And so they can see things so much more clearly that you just simply can't see.

This is why I love coaching so much.

that is the power of coaching is that they have the ability to visualize your problem without all of your emotions.

And so they actually can see multiple options of ways to get through this and really believe that you're not stuck.

They really do not believe that you're stuck.

Even though you in the moment feel so stuck, those outside of your situation don't feel that way.

So I always think about it, an example of this is I think about coaching or a mentorship or someone who's helping you as if they're on their own mountain, right.

I'm on my own mountain and I'm looking across over here to you climbing your mountain.

You're up close and personal with that next boulder.

You're struggling to get past that boulder.

You feel stuck, but I'm on my own mountain and I can see the entire mountain.

I can see there's five different ways you could go about that boulder, right.

When you're in your emotions, it's so hard to see that.

When you're out of it, when you're giving feedback advice, you can get so much farther.

And so I really do think seven is so important is that you get help, whether that's from a coach, like myself, whether that's from your partner who just doesn't seem to get spun up in the emotions on this journey as much as you do and asking for advice, go to someone for advice.

Sometimes that's our medical provider.

They give us advice because they're not in the emotional drama like we are and that is totally okay.

But get help.

Now number eight is use that advice.

Just like we come up with small adjustments from our own evaluations.

Like I said, it can be really hard to evaluate when we're really feeling down, when we're really feeling low, when we're really feeling stuck.

And so that is why getting help and getting outside advice can be so important.

And once you get that advice, use it.

Take what resonates with you, take what matches up with what you think.

Try it out.

Make that adjustment and see if it's the thing that helps you move forward.

It doesn't mean you have to take every bit of advice, right.

People give us bad advice all the time.

We can turn advice down.

But once you have advice, take that advice and use it.

Take an informed action.

Try a new approach to this cycle.

a new way of approaching your two week wait and see did it help, did it not help, evaluate.

Another thing that I think is so important in this process, this whole process of getting unstuck is expectations.

So often I have women come to me and they've started IVF or they've started IUI or they started ovulation meds and their expectation is like if I'm going to do this it better work this first cycle and when this first cycle doesn't work I'm decimated and this This is just the worst news in the entire world.

Now we need to do something different.

And I just want to question if that's really true.

Like is it reasonable to have the expectation that this is going to work in one chance.

Or could we say, hey, I'm going to work on getting unstuck for the next 12 months.

I'm going to try things that come up when I evaluate.

I'm going to try pieces of advice that other people give me that seem like they're useful advice and I'm going to slowly, one percent by one percent by one percent get closer to feeling better in this journey, feeling unstuck in this journey and get closer to my baby.

And if one of those ideas, one of those pieces of advice ends up being the silver bullet and I get pregnant, amazing.

But I'm not expecting it to happen tomorrow.

Because that's so much pressure on yourself.

And it's so much more useful to yourself in this journey if you release some of that pressure.

So we're evaluating.

We are taking informed action.

We're getting help.

We're repeating that process.

We're setting expectations that are reasonable as we're getting through this process.

We can use this to get unstuck emotionally.

We can use this to get unstuck from maybe repeating the same medication management over and over again and it's clearly not working.

We can use this in so many different ways and that's why I'm kind of talking about this broadly because this is a broad topic.

I could use these tools that I'm giving you, not just an infertility.

I could use this in business or in life or in weight loss, right.

process of feeling stuck wanting to give up and getting yourself out of that is the same process no matter which one we're talking about.

Number nine is not really a step per se but it's just something to notice is that you have to not want to be stuck and there are a lot of us there are moments when I've done this where I really wasn't ready to be unstuck.

So if you are feeling more of this like I'm stuck and I'm not ready to get out, your brain wants to be validated.

It's gonna look for every way this process isn't working, every way this has gone wrong, every way this possibly could go wrong, and it's just gonna keep proving itself true.

And if that feels good, if that's where you are, it's gonna be hard to make change happen.

So just notice that, ask yourself how you're feeling.

And notice like it's okay to have pity, it's okay to throw the pity party and acknowledge the grief and the disappointment and the loss that has been dealt your way by having to have a fertility journey.

But we can't go about improving and getting unstuck until we're ready to be unstuck.

So the truth is, is that we actually, to get unstuck, have to want to be wrong.

We have to want to be wrong about being stuck.

We have to want to be like, I believe this never was gonna happen, and I wanna be wrong about that.

Actually want this to happen.

And I'm willing to show myself I was wrong every time I told myself this was gonna be impossible so that I can have the joy that I want.

And if you're not there yet, if you're in the I'm stuck and I'm not ready to get out, then just let it be.

And notice when you leave that and you're ready to make some change.

So I know this is kind of a little bit of a longer episode, but I really want you to take these steps and think about them and think about how you can apply them over the coming weeks.

how can you work through your journey and help yourself pull yourself out of the hole, dig yourself out of the hole, become unstuck and keep going on this journey.

I really hope this was helpful.

Of course, as you can imagine, this is the exact work that I help women with when we work one-on-one together.

And I would love to help you.

You can click the link in the show notes to apply and we will hop on a free phone call to talk about your story and get you signed up for coaching.

I hope you all have a great week and I will talk to you all next week.

Hey there, Inspired Mama.

If you enjoyed this show, I want to invite you to leave a review in your podcast player.

This helps to share the message with so many more women just like you.

Also, if you know of another hopeful mama on her path to motherhood, please share this episode with her.

I would love to get this into the ears of anyone who needs to hear it.

If you are ready to step this work up and not only learn these tools, but to apply them to your unique story, head to the link in the show notes to apply for a free consult call.

I would be honored to help you.

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