Episode 75: Transcript

You are listening to episode 75 of the Path to Motherhood podcast.

Welcome to the Path to Motherhood podcast.

I'm your host and fertility life coach, Sarah Brandell.

Join us each week as we walk through navigating your trying to conceive journey.

My mission is to share the skills of managing your mind, processing emotions, and living a full life to create a more authentic path to motherhood.

Hello and welcome back to another week of the Path to Motherhood podcast.

I am so excited to have you guys here with me.

I am just excited to talk about today's topic.

I know it is a really pertinent one to so many women on this trying to conceive journey and can be the phase of trying to conceive that can be sometimes the most stressful.

And so we're going to spend a lot of time talking about that today.

Before we kick into the episode, I got a review of the podcast and I wanted to share it.

It's from INOJ 1983.

And this reviewer says, "If you are struggling with infertility and the negative thoughts that accompany this journey, I highly suggest listening to the podcast and/or working with Sarah as a coach.

She understands the roller coaster that is infertility and offers useful strategies for taking control of your infertility story and finding the positive even when all hope seems lost.

Every single episode has me feeling like she's speaking directly to me.

Definitely give it a listen.

This review I wanted to share just because it meant so much to me.

I like honestly got teared up when I listened to it.

I really do pour a lot of time into this podcast and especially preparing for taking some time off with this IVF miracle coming very soon.

When you guys are listening to this episode, I will be in the start of my time off.

I have been preparing for this and really trying to get ahead on the podcast for that reason and I just I'm grateful to know that people are listening and hearing it and relating and connecting to it and taking things away from it so I'm just grateful.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the message and as I've said before Reviews really are the one thing that helps me to grow this podcast and what I mean by grow this is just get it into the ears of other women that need to hear this information.

So if you haven't, please, please, please consider leaving a review.

A lot of different platforms have review options, but the one that seems to be the one that makes the most impact is Apple Podcast.

So if you have access to that, please consider.

It would mean a lot to me.

I really appreciate it.

But, in other news, like I said, we're gonna talk about an important topic today, and that is about the dang two week wait, right.

Like I said, a heated topic for everyone, one that creates a lot of stress and anxiety, one that we build up to be such a scary and terrible time in our mind, and we really reflect on all the terrible experiences we've had of two week waits over the many years.

And I know I've done an episode kind of about this topic in the past, but having had so many more clients over the last year and working with them and preparing them for their two week waits and getting feedback from you guys about my two week workbook really left me wanting to give you guys an update on really how to think about the two week wait, how to approach it, how to prepare for it and just give you my perspective.

So that's what we're going to do today and I'll give you a little foreshadowing that I do have a free workbook for the two week wait.

So the link will be in the show notes, but it's sarahbrandell.

com/twoweekwait.

And if you go there, you can download a free workbook that I created in the midst of my journey.

I created it while going through multiple cycles of IUI and it was based on my reflections of all the two week waits I have been through over the last six, seven years.

And that's crazy to think about, right.

Like especially when you're trying before going through interventions and you take multiple months off, like that's a lot of two week waits.

They add up quickly how many I've been through.

I really took all the lessons I learned and the ways that I approached two week waits and the ones that went really poorly and the ones that actually went really pretty well and used those to create this workbook.

So the workbook has journal entries like that I left for you for like reading for you to do.

has journal prompts for you to write and take some time to reflect.

And then it has meditations as well that are recorded that you can access and listen to.

Each day of the two week wait is dedicated to a different kind of topic or emotion.

And I always say like, I just had to create it in a certain order.

Doesn't mean that that's the order those topics or emotions are gonna show up for you.

So if like, it doesn't feel right to be doing certain page on a certain day that's totally fine.

Skip to a different page.

Repeat a page that seems like it's really appropriate.

That is totally fine.

There's not once at order that you have to complete the entire book within, but it really does guide you through doing some of the things we're going to talk about today.

So I'm really proud of it.

That being said, it's been out now for almost two years, which is kind of crazy.

And it was a labor of love to create.

Like I've had many people tell me like I cannot believe that you're giving this away for free and that's really my goal is to continue to give it away for free.

Know that I do have intentions this summer after kind of coming back from leave to revamp it a little bit and maybe give it like a 2.

0 version.

So anyone who has ever downloaded it will get an email with the updated version when it comes out this summer.

So don't delay downloading it you know get it now and use it how it is, but know that I think I'm probably going to have an updated version coming out soon.

So for those of you listening to this in the future, when it gets updated, that'll just be the one that's available when you go to that link.

But I wanted to share that.

So when people talk about the two week wait, they really, like I said, build it up to be such a scary time.

They have so many miserable memories about what they've experienced in the past.

And a lot of times the women I talk to the women that I attract, it roots down to anxiety, right.

And these spiraling moments of anxiety and anxious thoughts and fears and worries about it not working and what's going to happen.

And there's a lot of things that create that.

I think some of it is coming back to what we've talked about before of like making this one cycle mean everything.

As in like this one cycle has to be the one that's successful or else it's the end of the world.

And that's kind of unfair to one single cycle.

The rates of success of one single cycle, even in a non infertile woman, is not that good.

So putting all the pressure on one single cycle is really not a good idea.

We do that, right.

And we think if this one doesn't work, it's the end of the world.

If this transfer doesn't work, if this IUI doesn't work, if this medicated cycle if this ovulation tracker cycle, whatever it is, doesn't work.

I'm going to be so devastated and it's reasonable to be devastated.

It's okay to be disappointed by that, but I just encourage you to think about how can we shift our thought from, it has to be this cycle, this two week wait to it's happening soon.

And opening up that timeline feels comfortable, maybe two to three cycles.

I even encourage even more than that.

I always say like it's going to happen in the next year, right.

Giving yourself more time, less pressure on the process.

That's always going to be a good thing.

And what I'm going to hear is okay, but I've already been in this for three years.

So no, I don't want to put another three years out.

I get you.

I hear you.

I've been there.

I really have.

But I really think the more we can work on taking the pressure off of one single cycle, the better.

That's number one is doing that is taking some pressure off a single interaction.

Number two is to just understand some things that our brain does.

Our brain is trained to look to our past, analyze how our past went, and use that information to predict how the future is going to go.

So if our past is filled with uncomfortable experiences, negative results, bad anxious cycles, terrible feeling to equates, that is what it's going to anticipate is going to happen in the future.

It's not gonna magically think like, nope, this one's just gonna be the one, it's gonna be great, I'm not gonna be stressed, I'm gonna be super happy and it's gonna be a positive test and all is gonna be well.

No, it's not gonna assume that.

It's gonna use that past information to make guesses about the future.

So I say that to say that when the fears the worries about like dreading the two week wait come up because we're anticipating negative news to just not be surprised.

Not make it mean anything.

Feeling negative about your two week wait has no impact on the outcome of your cycle.

I really mean that.

It has no impact.

So really give yourself the opportunity to like just release that and not be upset with yourself if you're dreading the future.

That's okay.

It's okay to dread the two week wait and you don't have to beat yourself up for feeling that way.

The next thing is that I do think it's absolutely fair to prepare for your two week wait and sometimes I don't think that people really think about doing this.

They might think about like preparing for their cycle, changing lifestyle habits or medications or things to like make their cycle more likely to be successful but I think less people think about how can I prepare to have a more successful just two week wait regardless of what the outcome is regardless of what happens how can I prepare to have a good experience and I think that's a two pronged approach.

I think part of it is preparing for the uncomfortable and part of it is creating the comfortable so that's what we're going to spend our time talking about is like how do we do that today and really to do that we have to be realistic Right.

Like I don't want you just making this assumption I'm going to be able to be real happy and I'm going to be able to be you know real positive and hopeful and never have a single moment of doubt my entire two week wait.

It's not realistic.

We come from histories that have experienced a lot of negativity and it's just not realistic for us to expect ourselves to be thinking that way.

So I want you to be realistic and acknowledging you're going to have fears.

You're gonna have doubts.

There's gonna be negative moments.

There's gonna be uncomfortable moments.

There's gonna be stressful moments and that is totally okay.

And so that is the first half is preparing for that and then knowing that we can do some things with the uncomfortable and with the negativity to allow us to actually have some more room in our two week wait to have some positivity to have some hope not be terrified of having hope and and open up to the good.

And so that's really what I wanna kinda talk about.

So when it comes to preparing for the negative, I really think of this more rather than negative is just uncomfortable moments, right.

So when the fear, the doubt, the worry, the anxiety comes up, those are uncomfortable experiences to be going through, that's what I mean by that.

And one thing that I find is that a lot of people, their first instinct is to kind of resist that.

They want this happy go lucky blissful experience of a two week wait.

And so they're so angry that they have anxiety, that they have doubt, that they have fear, that they're truing everything they can to resist that.

How do I know that.

Because the number one piece of advice people give for a two week wait is to distract yourself, is to avoid thinking about your fears, is to avoid thinking about your anxieties.

And I'm here to tell you that I don't think that that is the right solution.

I actually think the goal here is to actually come to terms with the fact that of course, you're gonna have negative moments.

Of course, you're gonna have doubt.

Of course, you're gonna have fear.

Of course, you're gonna have anxious thoughts.

Of course, you're gonna reflect back on past negative cycles.

And to expect yourself to not do that is absolutely unreasonable.

And we just need to come to terms with the fact that that's okay.

And in this preparation phase, if that actually creates some grief in you, right.

Like you, I have had experienced this.

I've had moments where I've been grieving the loss of what was like this blissful, getting pregnant experience that some of my people around me have experienced.

Yeah, I agree with that.

Like I, it would be great to have that experience.

That's just not realistic for me.

My past is not going to create that.

And so I allowed myself to grieve that that's never gonna be my version of a two week wait.

And then I just let it go.

And I acknowledge that like my brain is going to have worries.

It's gonna have doubts.

It's gonna wanna fast forward through the process.

It's gonna wanna know the answer and that's okay.

We don't have to argue with our uncomfortable emotions.

We can let them be there.

And I think that's like key number one is just acknowledging that.

Now people are afraid to do this because they think, oh no, like I could never do that because that means that's 14 days, 24 hours a day that I'm going to be constantly thinking in anxious spirals.

I'm not gonna be able to function, I'm not gonna be able to work, I'm not gonna be able to live, I'm not gonna be able to do anything.

I'm just gonna be freaking out.

And that's not the case.

We think that's the case, but it really is not the case.

So I encourage you to, first, like I said, come to terms with the fact that it's okay that they're gonna be there.

And then in that preparation phase, before the two week wait has even happened, I tend to find that people have like the early start of these uncomfortable emotions, the fears, the worries, the doubts are coming up already before the two week wait has even happened.

And then I find they build a little bit more in the first half of the two week wait.

And then everyone's anticipating them to be worse in the second half of the two week wait.

And so this allows us almost like a runway to practice being with our uncomfortable emotions.

So we can use that preparation phase to notice when we're feeling anxious, to notice when we're feeling doubtful, when notice when we're having fear.

And rather than like pushing it away, distracting ourselves, getting back into work and trying to avoid thinking about it, I want you to actually take a couple minutes to notice like, oh, I'm feeling anxious about this.

This is why I'm feeling anxious about this.

And this is what it feels like to feel anxious.

We just recently did a podcast on how to love yourself through your negative emotions.

I will put that in the show notes.

I want you to do that process with these uncomfortable emotions.

This is your practice phase when you're preparing for your two week wait.

And then that first week of the two week wait as things build a little bit more, you get to practice a little bit more.

And then, you know, maybe it gets a little bit more intense in the second week.

and you have more opportunities to practice.

Are you gonna be able to sit with every single moment that an emotion comes up.

No, but if you can do it with some of them, that's a win in my book.

And the thing that I hear over and over and over and over again from clients is that they start to do this and they're shocked because suddenly when they had used to been doing this like avoid it, grin and bear it, distraction mode version, they felt like they couldn't escape the negative emotions.

And so they're so fearful that their days are gonna be consumed by these negative emotions, but they try even just the first time of sitting with their emotions, letting them being there, allowing them to be there, connecting with them, loving themselves through those difficult moments, And suddenly those moments aren't as frequent.

The doubt, the fear, the worry, all of it happens.

The anxious thoughts, it happens, but not nearly to the intensity that it used to happen.

I hear that time and time again, and women come back to me and they're like, "I don't get it.

" Like I never thought that that would be the case.

I thought that if I like checked in with it and sat with it, it was gonna make it way worse and it was the exact opposite.

I wish I would have done this the whole time.

I can't believe that I was going without this way of doing it.

And so that's really what I encourage you to do is this preparation phase is prepare yourself that there's gonna be negative moments and that's okay.

And practice that skill before you get to the two week wait.

And love yourself through the uncomfortable moments.

That's our goal.

That's what we're working towards.

What happens is it actually builds this belief.

What happens is it actually builds this belief that you trust even when it gets hard, I'm gonna be okay.

Even when it gets hard and the negative emotions and the spiraling comes up, I'll be able to take care of myself.

And that is a beautiful place to be.

The other half of this is the exciting part, in my opinion.

So if you have the ability to allow the negative emotions, allow the uncomfortable stuff, be with it, love yourself through it, and then you get the perk that that stuff is becoming less frequent, suddenly you have time to live your life, do your hobbies, do things that you care about, enjoy your career, go to activities, book things, not because you're running away, not because you're avoiding, but because you're excited to do them.

What a novel concept.

And in this half, what I really encourage women to do is to actually work on giving what I call some equal airtime.

So we know our brain has the negative side handled.

We know it has the fear side handled.

No need to help it with that, it's gonna happen.

But we do have brains that are wired towards negativity.

So we do have to intentionally call into our life positive emotions.

And so in the prep phrase, how this looks, is I encourage you to think about what would be some emotions that you feel would be ideal to experience from time to time in your two week wait.

Maybe that's calm, maybe that's hopeful, maybe that's excitement, maybe that's connected with your partner.

So whatever that emotion is for you, I always say, you know, two to three max here.

One of them really, I think, should be compassion through the negative.

One of them should be realistic expectations.

And then that leaves you maybe two-ish positive emotions that you wanna call into the experience that you can kind of create.

And you get to pick what they are.

And so in the prep phase, I encourage you to think of what those couple of emotions are that you want to cultivate.

And then I want you to brainstorm, What are things that I can intentionally be thinking.

What are thoughts I can reflect on.

What are things that I can remind myself of that help me feel those emotions.

What things can I think about help me feel calm.

What things can I think about that help me feel excitement.

What things can I think about that help me feel hopeful.

And this is what we call intentional emotion creation.

We had a podcast about this earlier this year as well, and so I will link that in the show notes.

But you use this planning time, this prep time, to create that list.

What happens is that once we get into the two week wait, we're doing two things.

We're loving ourselves through the hard, and we're daily checking in with the positivity.

Loving ourselves through the hard, and daily checking in with the positivity.

And this isn't this big, huge consuming three hour morning practice.

That's not what I'm insinuating.

I literally think like if you download the workbook and you give yourself 15 minutes a day, you can cultivate both of these things.

You can check in with what's worrying me, what's stressing me, what am I thinking about today that's uncomfortable, and how can I love myself through that.

And let me remind myself of the things I want to be hopeful about.

Let me remind myself the things I want to be excited about.

Do both of those things, give yourself 15 minutes of time to do that.

And I am telling you, doing these two things will rewrite your experience of the two week wait.

So I really, really, really encourage you to try this.

Every time I work with a client on this process, they come back after that first two week wait and they're like, "Holy cannoli.

" I cannot believe how much better that experience was than what I was afraid of it being from based on past experience.

And I just get so excited and happy for them to have this new way of approaching a two week wait.

I see it in my clients, I saw it in myself, in my experiences.

And it is not about becoming the most hopeful person in the world.

That's not what creates babies.

I'm sitting here, pregnant with my IVF embryo transfer That was probably the transfer that had the most negativity for being honest.

And it worked.

So it's not about eliminating negativity.

It's not about being the most positive person ever.

That's not what we're aiming for here.

This is about balancing the two, honoring the two, and taking care of yourself through the two equate.

So I really hope you guys will take some of these tips and techniques and apply them.

Like I said, make sure to download the workbook.

It'll be linked in the show notes.

And if you are like ready to do this work and recreate your two week waits, this is the work that I do.

Go to the link in the show notes and click apply.

I will be starting consult calls very soon for picking up a few more clients.

And I would be honored to help you with this process.

Truly, it would be an honor.

So I hope that you'll apply so that we can talk about coaching together.

I will talk to you all next week.

Hey there, inspired mama.

If you enjoyed this show, I want to invite you to leave a review in your podcast player.

This helps to share the message with so many more women just like you.

Also, if you know of another hopeful mama on her path to motherhood, please share this episode with her.

I would love to get this into the ears of anyone who needs to hear it.

If you are ready to step this work up and not only learn these tools but to apply them to your unique story, head to the link in the show notes to apply for a free consult call.

I would be honored to help you.

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