Episode 81: Transcript

Welcome to the Path to Motherhood Podcast.

I'm your host and fertility life coach, Sarah Brandell.

Join us each week as we walk through navigating your trying to conceive journey.

My mission is to share the skills of managing your mind, processing emotions, and living a full life to create a more authentic path to motherhood.

Hello and welcome to the Path to Motherhood podcast.

I'm your host Sarah and today we are going to talk about something that some of you might think technically wouldn't really make sense to be on a fertility podcast.

But I would argue it's hugely affected by your fertility journey.

I think it's important that we talk about it and And that is your job, your career and what that looks like.

Before we do, I wanted to kind of share a little snippet from a client that I met with today.

I am just so honestly like humbled and grateful that I get to even be part of any of your guys' stories.

And it's just amazing to see this work, right.

Like putting in the effort and getting coaching, how it can transform someone's experience of this journey.

And so today, like I said, I was meeting with one of my clients.

We've been working together here for a couple months.

She is wrapping up her second unsuccessful transfer.

Her first transfer was successful.

has a baby who's now I think almost two and then she has since had two more transfers trying for number two and the way she words it is that things with IVF were scary and she was nervous going into it in the beginning but she was one of those people where things just worked out.

She went through the agritrival process no problems, went through the transfer no problems, got pregnant on the first try, had an easy pregnancy, thought, oh, this is the thing.

This was the silver bullet.

Like this is the thing that is going to get me pregnant.

It's going to lead to my success and my journey.

And, you know, we always dreamed of having three kids and now I know we'll be able to do it because we tried it on our first try.

It worked.

So we're good to go.

And that's really how she left the experience.

She even admits now that she was so naive about it that she would really downplay the process and tell people not to worry or stress about it if she talked to anyone who was going into the journey themselves.

And then she went to try for number two and it hasn't been as easy.

She has had, like I said, two transfers, two unsuccessful transfers.

And the first one was a really big shock to the system, right.

She was coming off this easy pregnancy, first attempt at a transfer successfulness and she dove into the second one and was shocked when it didn't work.

Shocked so much that it really like rocked her on like can she keep doing this because she really hadn't navigated that amount of grief or disappointment before in her journey and that's when she reached out to me.

So we've been working together here like I said for a couple months and she just was able to go through her second transfer for this attempt at baby number two.

And like I said, it was unsuccessful.

She just found that out a couple of days ago.

We were talking about how she's doing and how she's like navigating the grieving of the unsuccessful transfer.

And what she shared is she is just so shocked because really in her mind, having a second an unsuccessful one is bad news, right.

Like having one is like, okay, that's bad news.

I should be disappointed, but two is a bad sign of man.

Maybe this will never work.

And it's become really painful and something that she's really upset about.

But what she acknowledges is, while I feel like this should be worrying me more, affecting me more, causing me more pain, I feel like I am able to navigate this grief a million times better than I was able to last time.

And I was just so grateful to hear her say that.

It was not prompted.

She said it on her own volition and it just was so validating to hear her say that, that this work that she's done, the work that she's put it on herself has turned into the emotional capacity to manage hard things, the emotional capacity to get through painful moments.

And is it fun.

No.

Is she happy about what's happened.

No.

Is she grieving.

Yes.

But she's doing it in a much more effective, manageable, safe, clear way than she has in the past because she is honoring her emotions.

She's not running away from them.

I just thought that was a beautiful example of what is possible, right.

Like what could be possible for you.

I'm not here to promise you specific successes in your fertility journey, I just can't do that.

That would not be ethical of me.

Now, I think often about how ability to work on our emotional regulation has to be impacting things, but do I have any data to support that as far as like specific studies.

Personally, no.

So I'm not gonna make those promises, But I will make you the promise that if you do this work, if you get this support, you will feel less miserable.

You will be able to navigate this journey longer.

You will be less likely to feel the feelings of I need to leave this journey just because I can't handle it.

So if that's where you are, reach out.

Let me know, let's talk.

It's super low pressure, right.

It's literally just me talking with you, explaining how coaching could support you and then you get to decide if that's the right decision for you or not.

But I am super passionate about this stuff and want to be helping each and every one of you because I have seen the value of this work.

So if you're in the thick of it and it's feeling excruciatingly painful, reach out.

Let's talk.

Let's see what we can do for you to support you.

There should be a link in the show notes that says apply and you can schedule a free call and we can talk about things.

So with that being said, let's talk about today's episode.

Over the next couple of weeks, I wanna talk about how managing infertility, navigating infertility, navigating pregnancy loss can affect a handful of different areas of your life.

And one of those areas that we cannot overlook is your job.

And if you are someone who says like, oh, I don't work, don't turn off the episode right away, hang in here with me for a little bit, because this could impact you as well.

So what I will say about this is there's a lot of different ways that this can show up.

I'm gonna share some of the common ones I hear just from conversations with people, whether that's in support group that I host or if that's with clients.

Here's some of the things that I just hear all the time when it comes to infertility, the fertility journey, and its impact on your career.

So number one is women saying, I just feel like I can't focus on my career.

My focus is so, my focus is so narrowed right now on my fertility journey, I can't do anything else.

Number two is work is this constant reminder of having all these people around you that just do not understand anything about what you're going through.

And that could be because you're not sharing.

So then you're holding all that information and emotion and all of that in and not releasing any of it when you're in a work setting.

And that can prompt inappropriate things to be said that can be hurtful and they might not even be trying to do it or acknowledge that they're doing it because they don't know anything.

Or it could be that they do know and they still are not understanding and that's become a really painful and kind of uncomfortable relationship to navigate.

Number three is that your work career isn't accommodating or is accommodating.

So, gratefully, I do hear from a handful of you that are like, oh my gosh, I'm so grateful.

My job is accommodating to my situation, to all my appointments, to my schedule, all this stuff.

While others of you have the exact opposite situation, it's not accommodating.

And that's just one way, it's time.

Another thing I think about here is work provides health insurance, right.

So does your career situation put you into a place where you have access to health insurance that has fertility benefits or not.

Another one is number four, is I'm missing out on opportunities.

And so this can be a couple of things.

One obvious one is you're missing out on opportunities because you're not there as much.

you're going to countless appointments, you're taking off time for recovery from miscarriage or from egg retrieval, et cetera, and that time away impacts your ability to show up in your job, raise your hand, show your skills, and really grow in your field, whatever that field is.

And then the other thing is that because the fertility journey is so stressful, it can absolutely cause you to feel unable to step up, unable to raise that hand, unwilling to put yourself into uncomfortable situations in your career because you're dealing with enough discomfort elsewhere.

And so a lot of women realize when they reflect back on things that overall they felt almost held back in their career because of their infertility journey.

And then lastly, another kind of last one ties into what we've talked about already is that some women share with me that it's a huge impact where they work.

If it has a supportive experience, if it has those insurance benefits.

And so those potentially could be driving your decision of where you work more than really what job do you want to do.

Where do you want to work.

What kind of job do you want to do, et cetera.

So this could definitely be having an impact on things.

And so I think that there is two things kind of to think about that when it comes to thinking about work.

One is how do we navigate your workplace with a fertility journey.

And then number two is how do we navigate your career when you're distracted by an infertility journey.

And so I kind of see those as like one is kind of like the local right there in your workplace.

And then the bigger one, the career is kind of the macro picture, the big picture, long-term picture, right, of your career.

The first thing I will say when we get into this is that there's really not one right or wrong answer.

There are many different routes where women can go when it comes to career.

But I am pretty adamant about the fact that we can't just be putting your work career on pause for your entire fertility journey.

That's not gonna benefit anyone.

And so if that's where you're at, really tune in here and think about how can I balance my journey that I'm dedicated to in going through and also show up in my career.

Have positive outcomes in my career.

And then another thing I'm gonna mention just now, to those of you who don't work, I've worked with a lot of you.

I've worked with a lot of women who share with me, you know, I never really had the intention to work.

I always dreamed of being a mom.

My job was going to be a full-time stay-at-home mom.

And now here I am, four, five, six, seven years into trying.

I don't have a kid to show for it.

And that thing, that identity that I was holding onto that was gonna be my purpose in life, I don't have it.

I'm not doing it.

And so I don't know what to do with myself.

I fully believe that staying home, being a stay at home mom, is a job in and of itself.

So again, it's impacting your work.

So first thing, like I said, we think about is navigating your workplace.

And where I see this showing up is really building the skill of advocating for yourself.

The same skill you need to advocate in your clinic is the skill that you need to advocate with your work.

You get to decide how you wanna do that, how much you wanna share, what you don't wanna share, but we do have to have the ability to stand up, speak for ourselves, let someone know I need this time off, this is part of my expected benefits, my leave plans, and this is something that's important to me and I need you to honor that.

And that can sometimes be scary.

We can be worried about how that's going to kind of affect our ability to be successful in our job, to be promoted in our job.

So building that kind of skill of being willing to advocate is important.

Also is navigating tricky situations.

So I've worked with women who the rules on attendance policies and missing scheduled shifts, et cetera, was so stringent in a way that they really could not navigate their fertility journey properly.

and they had to choose to leave that job to go to a more supportive one.

So that could be possible.

As I said, there's not one right answer here.

You can intentionally look for jobs that are more beneficial to your situation or you can be negatively impacted by jobs that are holding you back, that are keeping you from being able to go to appointments.

I've talked with women who have put off transfers because of the timing of their schedule at work.

And I want you to question, is that right.

Is that the right decision.

Is that fair to you and your family to put the needs of your workplace above yourself.

I don't know, that's for you to decide.

And then like I said, that's the micro-focused in on your workplace, right.

Another example of kind of the micro-focused on your workplace is working on relationship.

Unsolicited advice, uncomfortable comments come from coworkers often.

We spend so much time with them.

Sometimes it's with knowledge of what you're going through and sometimes it's without any knowledge at all of what you're going through, but it's still a painful comment or situation and that can take time to work through and to love yourself through and allow yourself to have the painful emotions about whatever was said or done and also not hold on or harbor these painful grudges ongoing for weeks, months, years, because of things that were said.

And so that's absolutely part of the career side of things, of you know, workplace drama, right, of how you relate to your partners or your peers in your job and how you can navigate that.

So if you're struggling with that, we can work through relation dynamics, right.

Relationship dynamics.

And find ways to bridge that gap.

We don't get along with everybody.

We can't change everyone's mind.

That's not the goal.

But it is possible to adjust things in a way that make relationships more bearable.

That's possible.

And then, like I said, second is to think about career.

So the more macro.

When it comes to career, This is where I really think a lot about how willing are you to raise your hand.

Are you seeking those opportunities.

Are you putting yourself out there.

Are you feeling capable to do that because you have managed your emotions well on the infertility side.

And while you're grieving, you still have capacity to feel other emotions, to be motivated, to be dedicated, to be excited for what your career could grow into.

Is that possible for you.

Are you feeling any of that.

That's something to think about.

Something else that I talk about often with some of my clients is that we may choose to stick it out in situations that are less than ideal because they have benefits to us.

So what do I mean by that.

For example, I have a client who is staying at a job that's fine, she doesn't hate it, she doesn't love it.

She has some interest in some other area, some things that she could grow into that could be more exciting, more fruitful from a payment side of things.

She's very much interested in them, but at this time, her capacity to dive down deep and kind of grow in that area is limited.

And she acknowledges that the job she's in right now is super supportive of her fertility journey.

And she doesn't know if that would be the case of a new job.

And so for her, it's reasonable to say, I'm gonna give myself another 24 months that I'm gonna stay at this job, that may not be my forever job, may not be my favorite job, but it's good enough and it's providing me benefits to be here.

That could be part of the situation.

And so you can see there's a lot to think about with career, how much you're making, how your insurance is working.

If you're enjoying your career, those around you and your exposure to them and how they're navigating your painful experiences, Your ability to step up, your ability to show up because of appointments and time and dedication and emotional capacity.

So all of these things impact your job.

All of them are things to think about.

And this is something that we often are thinking about with our clients on our coaching calls is how can we clean up our experience at our job so it's not negatively impacted by our infertility journey.

So many women come to me and say, I'm screwed.

I have a crappy job.

I'm stuck in.

I barely can do what I need to because I'm always at appointments.

My career potential is ruined because of this and this really negative place.

And it really doesn't have to be that.

It can be that you can be a successful person.

You can build a beautiful career and also navigate a fertility journey.

And for those of you that I mentioned earlier that are not interested in working, I want to remind you that you are more than you want to be a mother.

Why that is a beautiful vocation and being a stay-at-home mom is something that I would wish anyone who wants to do it could do.

You are more than a stay-at-home mom.

You are more than a motherly figure.

So I really encourage you to dive deep into what am I passionate about.

What do I care about.

It may not be a job.

That's okay.

It's a hobby or service that you want to do, whatever it is.

I really encourage you to kind of think about that, dive into that, think about where can I pour my energy into and enjoy it while I'm on this journey.

So I know this episode isn't necessarily steps or specific recommendations, it's just food for thought.

How does your fertility journey impact your job.

ask yourself that, see what comes up.

Are you okay with how it's impacting your job.

Are there things you'd like to change about how it's impacting your job.

I'd love to hear what your thoughts are about how it's showing up for you in your career.

Message me, click the text message button and let us know how your fertility journey is impacting you and your career.

So I hope you guys all are having a great, great, great week and I will talk to you all very soon.

Hey there, inspired mama.

If you enjoyed this show, I want to invite you to leave a review in your podcast player.

This helps to share the message with so many more women just like you.

Also, if you know of another hopeful mama on her path to motherhood, please share this episode with her.

I would love to get this into the ears of anyone who needs to hear it.

If you are ready to step this work up and not only learn these tools but to apply them to your unique story, head to the link in the show notes to apply for a free consult call.

I would be honored to help you.

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