Episode 83: Transcript

You are listening to episode 83 of the Path to Motherhood podcast.

Welcome to the Path to Motherhood podcast. I'm your host and fertility life coach Sarah Brandell. Join us each week as we walk through navigating your trying

to conceive journey. My mission is to share the skills of managing your mind,

Processing emotions and living a full life to create a more authentic path to

motherhood.

Hello and welcome back to the Path to Motherhood podcast. I'm your host Sarah

and as always I'm happy to be with you this week. Today we are diving into a

topic that's super super important to me and that's sharing about really

reflecting on who you are as a person because you are so much more than your

infertility story and we're gonna talk about that today but before we dive into

that I wanted to remind all of you that I'm back I'm back on social media you

know I've been resuming the podcast now for a couple weeks and I am having so

much fun getting back in touch with all of you guys you guys should be getting

emails from me again if you're not on my email list please make sure you go to

the show notes to join the email list. And that way you can get all of the updates and

insights about things that are coming up and updates about freebies that I share, etc.

there. But yeah, make sure you're following the place I probably live the most would be

on Instagram. And I am sharing about day to day I'm sharing about pieces of advice kind

of distilled down from these episodes but also other kind of ways to approach your fertility

journey and I'm excited to kind of be pouring myself back into those areas but I want to

make sure you're seeing it. You're getting the information. So if you don't make sure

you go follow me, make sure you share it with your friends or people in your circles that

are going through fertility journeys as well so that we can spread the word and get more

support for more women and just help people to feel a little bit less alone in this process.

So as I said, today I really want to talk about you as an individual.

I find so often when I work with women, they are so tied to their story of infertility

or fertility struggles or miscarriage or pregnancy loss or etc.

That this defines them so strongly that they've lost most of their association with anything

else going on in their life.

And this can be really hard to kind of manage life in this new world where this is what

is surrounding you 24/7.

And I find often when people talk about having this like emotional roller coaster that they're

on, a lot of it has to do with this.

It's not that those that hold on to a good identity and have other things in their life

besides infertility don't have struggles, but I find that they're able to weather the

storm and manage those struggles better because they're not 100% consumed by this process.

And I think that's one of the things that, you know, we should start with is it is so

easy for fertility treatments, your fertility journey, whatever it is to become all consuming.

Right?

There's appointments, there's treatments, there's meds, there's stress of people making

comments about things.

You're being triggered everywhere you go.

The way things are said, the way things are talked about, stuff that shows up in movies

and social media, the advice people are giving you, all of this takes a constant toll on

you about your journey towards motherhood.

And that easily can become all-consuming.

So if you're there, don't feel upset as I have this episode that you've messed up or

something's wrong or you should be doing it differently, etc.

makes total sense that that's where you are and that you feel all consumed.

So no like harm for it being there,

but let's brainstorm some other ways to do things.

And so the thing that I would start off with,

it's so important for you to have this relationship with yourself outside of

your infertility. So over the last few weeks,

and even if you go back to the episode before we took a little break,

we've talked about the impacts of infertility on your career.

We've talked about how to show up as a mother today

when you are on your fertility journey.

We've talked about what you're allowing

your infertility story to make mean

about your story in the world.

And that's really closely tied

to what we're talking about today.

So as you reflect on those things,

I want you to really think back to, you know,

who are you?

What matters to you?

What's important?

If someone were to ask you, how,

who are you?

Tell me about yourself.

How would you define yourself?

Would you define yourself by your family roles,

being a spouse, being a daughter, being a friend, et cetera?

Would you define yourself by your work roles,

a teacher, a physician, an accountant,

whatever it is that is your role?

Would you define yourself by your hobbies?

Who are you as a person?

And when you think about those,

are you happy with what is on the list, right?

Often what I find is we define ourselves in two categories.

our main relationship role.

So for a lot of us that are listening to this show,

I often hear that it's wife.

And then secondly, our career or our job.

And those are two totally fine things to identify as.

But you are more than those two things, right?

You are made up of so much more than that.

Your hobbies, your passions,

the things that you dream about.

Your wish to be a mother is part of your identity.

your passion for knitting or athletics or weightlifting

or reading or whatever is important to you,

that makes up part of you.

And you don't lose those things

because you're on a fertility journey.

Unfortunately, a lot of us lose touch with those things

on the fertility journey.

We become so all consumed like I talked about

that we almost forget about these things.

We're going through the motions, we're getting stuff done,

We're getting the steps done at work that we have to do to complete the job,

to make the paycheck, to get through the day to day.

This even starts to happen in relationships.

Like we are with our partner, but we almost become more like a roommate than

an actual, you know, significant other to our partner because we are just so

emotionally burned out. We stopped doing our passions.

We stopped pursuing our passions. We stopped doing our hobbies and we become

this smaller version of ourselves.

And so if this is sounding familiar to you,

there is another way.

It doesn't have to be like that.

You get to be your full self

and pursue a fertility journey.

And so last week, we talked a lot about

how do I want to be as a mother

and how can I be that mother now?

How can I show up into my motherhood energy now?

And if that sounds crazy or off-putting

and you didn't listen to last week's episode,

I really encourage you to go back and listen

because there can be such beautiful growth

and thinking about who do I wanna be as a mother?

How do I wanna role model things for my children

in the future?

And how can I begin doing those now?

And the number one way I see that you can be successful

in this is to mother yourself now,

to love yourself now, to show yourself compassion now,

to encourage yourself, to go pursue your passions,

to think clearly about your goals,

to build up a life that is life-giving,

is fulfilling and not just consumed by fertility treatments.

And that to me is value add,

that is living into your motherhood energy.

So realistically, how does this show up?

A lot of women are putting their life on hold.

And I am just begging of each of you

to do what you can to avoid that.

Am I gonna say that there's never gonna be an impact

on your life from fertility treatments?

No, obviously there is.

There's appointments, there's tests, there's treatments,

there's recommendations to stop doing X, Y, or Z, et cetera.

So yes, it's going to impact your life,

but do what you can to not give in to that too much.

So what do I mean by that?

I talked to so many women who gave up vacations,

time with certain family members, hobbies, trips,

things they've done on a regular basis

because they couldn't do them for a short period of time

and so now they've just stopped them all together for years.

They're three, four years down the road

and they're like, I stopped golfing,

I stopped weightlifting,

I stopped doing things that I cared about,

I stopped seeing X, Y, or Z friends,

I don't travel anymore,

I feel disconnected with my partner,

all because I put those things on the back burner

and just put them on the shelf and have moved on.

So really reflect what have you been putting on hold?

What have you been holding off or thinking

I don't need to deal with that yet?

And is that true?

Is there a way that you can bring those back off the shelf

and prioritize them now?

Can you seek career opportunities?

Can you go after promotion that you're really, you know,

passionate about or hopeful for?

Can you go pursue new skills or hobbies?

I always share about golfing.

I've put golfing on the back burner

because I'm like, oh, one day I can do that

right down the road.

And I'm so grateful to the version of me that said no,

no more, I'm investing in me and my joy

and my excitement about this right now

regardless of where we are on the fertility journey.

So look at your life and see what your passion about

or new passions you want to cultivate

and how can you weave them in to your fertility journey?

How can you say, you know, I am going to take a month off

after this cycle so that I can go on a vacation?

So I can spend time with my partner.

How can I say, you know, I can't really get

a whole week vacation across the country in

but I can absolutely take three days

to go drive somewhere and camp for the weekend.

Find ways you can weave it in to your treatment plan.

And on that note, I think it's so important to remember,

your life carries on.

Things are happening.

Family events are happening.

Weddings are happening.

Reunions are happening.

Time with aging loved ones is happening.

So don't let those things pass you by

because you are so blindsided by your fertility treatments.

Find ways to weave those things in between

everything else going on.

Really, I would love for you to feel like,

yes, I'm doing fertility treatments,

that's part of my day to day,

but my focus is living life fully

in all of the other areas of my life,

and I just so happen to be going to fertility treatments

in between those things.

So how can we create that kind of balance into our life?

And before we move on to the final kind of area I want to discuss,

I want to acknowledge balance is a loaded word.

It's a word that has a lot of negativity around it.

And that's because balance does not mean equal.

And I think that's key.

Balance means, Hey, at different phases of life, different seasons of life,

that balance is going to look different here.

Infertility is absolutely pulling your focus in one direction.

I am just offering, don't let it overrule your entire day,

week, month, year.

Allow yourself some time and focus

to look at the rest of your life,

to prioritize the rest of your life.

So to close out this episode,

I'm kinda hoping for a little bit of a quicker episode

this week for you guys,

is to kinda share a couple practical tips

to make this happen.

So number one is really, like I said,

take stock of what matters to you,

What's important to you, what sounds fun to you,

what sounds fulfilling or energy giving

because the fertility treatment process

can be so exhausting and steal your energy

that this can be a great thing to look at,

hey, where are some areas that I could actually

improve my experience of day to day

and try to weave more of those in?

So that would be number one.

Number two is to be clear about boundaries.

It can be exhausting to constantly be surrounded

by unsolicited advice and people giving you feedback

on an ongoing basis.

So make sure to set clear boundaries

of who you're comfortable discussing things with,

who you're not comfortable with discussing things with.

And even if you're not comfortable sharing

with certain people, that does not mean you have to put up

being around conversations that make you feel uncomfortable.

You can back out of those conversations.

Next is to find support network.

So whether that's a coach,

whether that is a therapist,

whether that is a support group,

just a text thread with a group of people

or going through something similar,

find your support system.

It is great to find support in your spouse,

but I highly, highly, highly encourage you

to build it to be larger than just your spouse.

I find that that can be so impactful on your journey.

And then lastly is at the end of the day,

the goal here is to prioritize your mental health,

your self-care.

So doing things again that make you feel better

and more like you.

And it's okay to take little pauses.

It's okay to make versions of what you want to do smaller

to fit within your treatment plan.

Right, I wasn't joining some crazy league of golf

that needed to meet four times a week.

That just wasn't practical.

So I took one-on-one lessons for myself and loved it.

This year, not going through fertility treatments,

that looks different.

I'm on a weekly league this year.

So meet yourself where you are,

understand you have to find ways to make it work

within where you are in treatment.

I wasn't doing weightlifting on a weekly basis

when I was going through transfers.

That was frowned upon.

That's okay, but how can I weave exercise in

when I'm allowed to do it in a safe and fulfilling way?

So those are just some examples of things

that you can prioritize as you attempt to keep grasp

of who you are outside of fertility treatments.

And I really hope that gives you guys some good ideas

and helps you see that it doesn't have to be overwhelming,

it doesn't have to be this super convoluted process,

and you don't have to just throw it all in

and say like, "There's no possibility

"I don't have anything I can do

"outside of infertility treatments."

It can be a happy middle ground and be worth it

to make it that happy middle ground.

So give that some thought this week

as you kind of think about what you want to put your

time, money, resources, energy,

towards over the next couple months.

And I would love to hear your ideas.

There is a link in the show notes

for you to send a text message anonymously to me.

Let me know, what are you gonna prioritize

adding back into your day to day

to help keep yourself more than your infertility?

Because you are more than your infertility.

And I think that's just so important to remember.

So have a great week,

and I will talk to you all next week.

Hey there, inspired mama.

If you enjoyed this show, I want to invite you to leave a review in your podcast player.

This helps to share the message with so many more women just like you.

Also, if you know of another hopeful mama on her path to motherhood, please share this

episode with her.

I would love to get this into the ears of anyone who needs to hear it.

If you are ready to step this work up and not only learn these tools but to apply them

To your unique story, head to the link in the show notes to apply for a free consult call.

I would be honored to help you.

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