Episode 90: Transcript

You are listening to episode 90 of the Path to Motherhood podcast.

Welcome to the Path to Motherhood podcast. I'm your host and fertility life coach,

Sarah Brandell. Join us each week as we walk through navigating your trying to conceive journey.

My mission is to share the skills of managing your mind, processing emotions,

and living a full life to create a more authentic path to motherhood.

Hello and welcome back to the Path to Motherhood podcast. I am your host, Sarah. I am grateful to

be here with you guys today. We have had a couple weeks of really amazing guest interviews on the

podcast and I'm grateful to each of them that have come on and I hope you guys have enjoyed them and

taken away so many insights from the guests. But I'm excited to be with you today and talking to

you about a really important topic. I am coming back from getting my haircut. Man, did I need a

hair cut. I have gone through a phase over the last couple years of no longer like dying my hair.

I don't know if I'll never dye it again, but for now it's been almost two years that I haven't

dyed my hair and that has made it really easy to just like put off any hair care. I think it's

been well over a year since I've even got a trim. So it needed it. It was nice to get it done. It's

amazing how much a little bit of a trim can really refresh your hair and make it look healthy again.

So that is what I just got back from.

I am having a great day.

It is a busy day.

I'm jumping around between a lot of different things, but I am excited to be here with you guys.

I have had the pleasure of talking to a handful of clients over the last few days that are actually finishing up working with me.

And I say that loosely because already a couple of them are like, OK, I know I'm finishing up, but let's go ahead and add a session here or in a couple of weeks.

let's do one here and that's totally fine. We do that from time to time or we just add them on,

maybe not quite as frequent as we had done in the initial working together, but they just find

that it is nice to still have someone on their team that they can talk to and it's great to be

able to do that. So it's not goodbye forever, but we finished up like their initial package

and I got to be in the phase where we get to reflect on where they have had growth over the last

handful of months and what changes they've noticed, what's become different since working together.

One of my favorite things to do really is to just reflect on all the work that they've put in

and really truly acknowledge just how far they've come in this work. I get to do it. I get to be on

the call and a lot of them want to thank me and I'm humbly grateful for those thank yous. But they're

They're the ones living out this experience.

They're the ones doing this work, thinking through these things, reflecting them on them

between calls and allowing these discussions to really change their experience of not only

the infertility journey, but their entire life.

And so I'm proud of them.

I'm grateful for them.

And it's just been so nice to have those reflections with them.

So some of that is really what brainstormed the next couple episodes because some of them

are in deep phases of intentional change.

And what do I mean by that?

Whenever we're faced with a problem, we tend to start to think about what's wrong and how

can I fix it?

It doesn't matter what we're dealing with.

If it's a hole in a deck, if it's, I don't know where I got that example from, if it's

wrong with our car or whatever it is, we think about what's the problem and how

can I fix it. And that is true for the infertility journey. If we're struggling

to get pregnant, if we're having frequent loss, if we're having complications

with pregnancy, we think what's the problem and how can I fix it. Now one

thing is, is that I think we like to think a little bit too black and white as

if there's one problem and if we fix that one problem everything will be better.

and often I think infertility is much more multifaceted than that. There's

much more nuance to it and sometimes there isn't one quick and easy answer

and I think that's important is to acknowledge hey there's probably a lot

of things contributing to why this isn't working and probably a lot of ways

that we could navigate getting through this. Not one answer is the right answer

and that stinks to here right because if I told you we're missing a bolt we just

need to replace the bolt and then everything will go back to normal. Man, that would be easy.

So if I knew I'm missing this one thing in my diet and if I replace that in my diet,

then my fertility is cured and we're going to get pregnant, that would be so nice. But that's just

not the case. And so really, it starts to feel like I'm punching out different options of things

that could potentially be the problem to see, right? Like it feels a little bit more like,

I don't know, throwing at a dartboard and hoping that we get into the right area that's going to

be the thing that fixes the problem. And some things that I always remind my clients of is

there isn't a silver bullet. There isn't one spot on that dartboard that we have to hit and until

we hit that it's not going to work. There's probably many and there's probably different ways of hitting

that spot on the dartboard. There's those people who can literally like walk up, barely look at the

dartboard and throw the dart and get a bullseye. There are those people who can

throw it backwards and somehow get a bullseye. There are people who like they

need help and support and these different things to bring them very close

to the dartboard and then place the dart and they got a bullseye. So there's many

different ways to go about this. It's not one quick fix solution and that's what

makes it hard and it feels like we're stabbing in the dark. It feels like we

don't know what we're going after, especially after it's been months and

years of trying at this and we've tried so many things and it can be really

disheartening and make motivation difficult in this phase and layer on

top of that so many different opinions on what is going to be the thing that's

going to fix the problem and that coming from people in your life, your family,

your friends, your co-workers, online, social media, but your own personal

medical providers, there's so many different people weighing in on those

topics and so all that information and often conflicting information only

makes this process more difficult. That's to say that there's a lot up against

you that makes this hard and I don't need to you know belabor that point

because you guys are living it you know what it's like to feel that way. But what

I find is women tend to live in two areas, two camps. Either they're doing

those changes and they're like white knuckling it, right? They're going to these alternative

treatments, they're taking the supplements, they're eating in specific ways, they're moving

their body in specific ways, they're doing woo-woo activities, they never would have

guessed they would have done and they're doing them because they think they have to, because

they want to end a two week wait telling themselves they did everything they could, but not because

it feels authentic to them. So that's number one. Or the other group of people is like

screw it. I know I should, right? I hear that so often. I know I should do this. I know

I should eat that. I know I should take care of this. But it's just so exhausting. I'm

so defeated. I tell myself I'm supposed to and then I don't do it and then I beat myself

up after the fact for not having done it.

And so I see so many women living in one of these two areas,

these places of just honestly struggle.

And so what I wanted to do was to talk about lifestyle change

because a lot of these come down to lifestyle changes.

Some of it is changing how we save our money

so that we can afford to pay for infertility,

which is something we talked about last week.

Some of it is how we nourish our bodies.

Some of it is how we move our body.

Some of it is things, you know, services that we have done.

So I'm not here to tell you which ones to do.

Like I said, there's enough conflicting information

out there and we're all different human beings.

If there's anything I can tell you,

it's that I want you to trust your gut.

But I'm here to help you think through

how can I get myself to do those things?

If I really want to be doing them,

if I feel they're worth my time, energy,

effort, money, et cetera, then how do I get myself to do them?

And so that's what we're going to talk about here today.

And over the next couple of weeks,

we'll kind of address different areas of this topic.

And I hope you guys will enjoy.

First of all, I need to address kind of the elephant

in the room.

And this kind of way of thinking about these changes

probably comes from my experience

of reading research manuals and new medications

and all the research that happens on new medications.

And something that happens for those of you

maybe not in medicine or near medicine that know this,

when they study new medications,

they're required to study the medication against placebo.

So what does that mean?

It means us testing,

if someone thinks they're getting this medication,

but they're really not, how much benefit do they get?

And we know for a fact,

placebo and nocebo and negative placebo effect

are very real.

If I give someone a medication and I tell them,

this is going to cure your infertility

and allow them to believe that for a certain amount of time,

there is impact of that.

Just like if I tell someone,

this is going to cure your cancer,

their studies to prove that that improves outcomes

more than taking nothing.

So placebo effect is real.

And the reason I bring this up is to say

that when they give medications,

we know medications have side effects.

They have downsides.

They have reasons to not take them.

There's costs involved with them.

And so we have to prove in research,

this medication outpaces or outperforms placebo.

I'm not gonna take on side effects and costs

and risk associated with this medication

unless I see it's more effective than placebo.

It's kind of how we think about it in research.

And so I think about that often

when it comes to lifestyle change.

because I will never be someone to tell you,

don't do this, don't do that, don't do X, Y, or Z.

If you feel like it's beneficial

and it feels like the right thing for you to do,

then go with it.

Now, there's limits to that, safety concerns and stuff,

and that's why we all have to talk with our medical providers

to make clear decisions about that.

But even things that maybe aren't perfectly studied

and don't have all the data,

as long as it's not harming you, I say go for it.

But what I find more often is the issue

is people read a handful of studies

or they get told by people, you need to do this.

It's the thing that got me pregnant.

It's the thing.

There's these studies that show if you do this,

it's going to cure your problems.

Start acupuncture, eat this food,

cut these foods out of your diet, whatever it is.

There's not one answer here.

And so they feel like they have to.

And next thing you know, again,

they're white knuckling it through.

They're doing these changes because they feel necessary.

They don't want to have regret and guilt

that they didn't try hard enough,

which none of you can ever say that.

But sometimes our brain tricks us into believing we can.

And then what happens is we start doing these activities,

these lifestyle changes that we're hoping

are gonna bring a benefit,

but I am in full belief they're doing the opposite.

If you hate them while you're doing it,

If you regret doing it while you're doing it,

if you are like, "Ugh, this sucks.

I hate eating this magic smoothie every morning."

I don't know, I'm making something up.

That's the cure all to things and I'm supposed

to be believing it's gonna be the thing

that's gonna fix it, but I hate it

every single moment of it.

I'm here to tell you it's outweighing benefits.

I don't know how much,

but it's definitely having an impact on the benefits.

I want you to be able to choose the decisions

of the services you partake in,

the lifestyle changes that you do confidently

and feel good about them and invest your time, money

and energy in them in the best way possible

so that if they are going to give you a benefit,

you get the benefit.

I want you to really think about that.

The things that you have asked yourself to do

on this journey, are you going about them

in a way that feels good to be going about them?

So let's take for example,

I've been working with someone recently

who she is cutting a handful of specific foods

out of her dietary intake on a daily basis,

hoping that that's going to cause inflammation,

changes, et cetera, and impact her fertility.

She's been told multiple times by different people

in her life and now in medical providers even saying,

I don't know, this seems like maybe this could be something

that could improve your fertility.

So she's going ahead and trying it.

She's hating every single minute of it when she started.

She's like, this isn't fair.

Why me?

I'm already dealt the infertility card.

Now I have to cut these foods out of my diet.

I hate this.

Nothing that I can eat now is any good.

This has just ruined everything.

And this constant negative attitude,

victimy place about the change.

and I'm telling you what, that's not gonna give her any benefits.

It's not gonna be the thing.

So instead, what we've talked about is one,

is have your pity party.

Like that's fair.

The fact that you have to cut things out of your diet

potentially to get pregnant, that sucks.

I agree.

Like that's not, this is not to say you're not allowed

to be disappointed about these things.

You're allowed to be disappointed.

But who wants to just stay miserable

through their whole process versus who wants to say,

you know, like, that's not fair, this stinks,

but like, if I'm gonna do it, I better do it in a way

that doesn't, you know, feel absolutely miserable

the entire time.

And so have your pity party, acknowledge the pain

associated with this, and then get to work

really testing the change.

Finding ways to make it work for you,

make it doable for you, effective for you,

sustainable for you, and even dare I say enjoyable for you.

And if you're having trouble doing that, talk to someone.

I, when I'm working with people,

do not give them recommendations.

I'm not a medical provider in that setting, right?

I'm not telling them what changes to make.

They're coming to me with their plans

on what changes they want to make,

but I will 100% help work with someone

to make those changes happen.

help make them sustainable.

That's our goal.

And that starts from what we believe about that change.

Most people are gonna think about,

okay, I have to write this down and have a smart goal

and think about how long I wanna do this

and what exact activity and action steps I have to take.

None of that matters if we hate the process.

None of that matters if we have a terrible mindset

about this change.

So step one is not a smart goal, is not an action plan.

It truly is believing this is worth my time,

energy, resources, focus.

I believe this is at least worth trialing.

Let's give it a go.

And I'm gonna go about it in the way

that makes it most likely to be successful.

So I'm gonna pour myself into believing

this is gonna be effective.

I'm gonna pour myself into how I can make myself

follow through on this from belief

and from actually enjoying what I'm deciding to do.

And we're gonna see what happens.

And so over the next couple of weeks, that's my goal.

It's to really just talk about strategies you can use

to promote lifestyle change.

And it starts here.

It starts back to mindset.

What am I thinking about this change?

If even mentioning the change brings up dread,

we're not in the right moment.

We're not in the right mindset to make this happen.

We need to work through that first.

So reflect on what things are the top changes,

lifestyle modifications, strategies that you are

in the process of implementing or about to be implementing

and what do you think about them?

Are you excited about them?

Are you hopeful about them?

Do you feel that implementing them feels doable?

Or do you feel like, ugh, I so don't want to do that.

They say it's going to help, so I'm going to do it.

I can't wait until this whole process is over so I can go back to my other ways.

I'll give you a couple ideas or things to mull on to think about maybe some ways to

kind of change that mindset if that's where you're at.

Number one is at the end of the day, fertility is a marker of our health.

Whether it's your health, your husband's health, whatever, it is a marker of our health.

And so when we have reasons to have poor fertility, that is a marker that something's off.

And sometimes I think too often gets thought of as like, I just need to get through this

phase and once I get through fertility, then I don't need to think about this anymore.

Rather, I think often about what strategies, changes, things can I put into place to both

improve my fertility, but also improve my long-term health going forward.

And so just think about how these changes you're pondering on don't just impact your

fertility.

These potentially have the chance of impacting your long-term health.

thought to think about. Why do I want to do this? Why does this all matter? Why am I showing

up? Why am I listening to a fertility podcast? Why am I thinking about these things? Why do

I want to become a mother? We all go into this process knowing that. I know we do, but I

think the pain and the disappointment of this journey pulls us farther and farther and farther

away from that. Why? Almost as like a protective mechanism. Like we don't want to go there when

and we are just having so much struggle,

but I think that that's actually not good.

We want to be connected to our why.

We want to be connected to why this all matters,

why we're pouring our blood, sweat, and tears

into this journey.

So come back to that, sit with, why is this all worth it?

Why am I doing it?

And then lastly, be realistic.

I've had clients come to me and tell me

that they're going to add in 15 new supplements.

They're gonna completely radicalize their diet

while they're also in a phase of starting IVF treatments

and they're also in a phase of really busy season at work

and they're gonna exercise three hours a day

and they're, you know, X, Y and Z, all these things.

And I'm always like, can you see yourself

doing those five things in five years?

And they laugh at me because this in their mind

is about a temporary fix.

It's not about a long-term solution.

And so they're being unrealistic with their expectations.

And the truth is often they're being so unrealistic

that what they're wanting to do

is gonna really be almost impossible

to complete even for a couple weeks,

let alone a couple years.

So really ask yourself, how can I be realistic here?

You don't have to make 15 changes overnight.

You get to pick one or two.

Apply them, implement them, create sustainability around them,

create habits around them,

and then decide if you wanna add more.

So I hope this gives you guys some ideas.

I want you to brainstorm on this this week

of lifestyle changes that could be of benefit to you

and your journey and your overall health

and how you want to think about them

versus how you're thinking about them now.

And then come back next week for part two

of kind of talking through lifestyle change

how to stick through and stick with things and be motivated to stick with

things. If you want help doing this work, if you want help following through on

your plans, on your lifestyle changes, message me on Instagram and we will talk

about how to get you started with coaching. I hope you guys all have a

great week and I will talk to you all next week.

Hey there inspired mama. If you enjoyed this show I want to invite you to leave

a review in your podcast player. This helps to share the message with so many more women

just like you. Also, if you know of another hopeful mama on her path to motherhood, please

share this episode with her. I would love to get this into the ears of anyone who needs

to hear it. If you are ready to step this work up and not only learn these tools but

to apply them to your unique story, head to the link in the show notes to apply for a

free consult call. I would be honored to help you.

[Music]