SHOW NOTES: Episode 84
This week on the Path to Motherhood podcast, I had the pleasure of interviewing Bailey Dykema, an incredible woman who has navigated the challenging journey of infertility with grace and resilience. Bailey is not only a CRNA and small business owner, but also a passionate advocate for hormone health and holistic living.
Bailey’s Infertility Journey
Bailey's path to motherhood was not straightforward. She faced years of infertility struggles and underwent numerous fertility treatments before finally becoming pregnant. Her story is one of perseverance and hope, and she openly shares the highs and lows of her experience.
Staying True to Herself
Throughout her infertility journey, Bailey found ways to stay connected to her "non-infertility self." She continued to thrive in her career as a Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist (CRNA) and built a business with Hugh and Grace.
Finding Joy and Balance
Bailey emphasized the importance of maintaining joy and balance in life, even during tough times. She shared how she made time for travel, cherished moments with her husband, and stayed active on social media to connect with other fertility warriors and share her story.
Tune in to the full episode to hear more about Bailey’s journey and her insights on living a balanced, fulfilling life during infertility.
Connect with Us:
If you're ready to take control of your fertility journey while growing into your full identity, book a free consult call. Let’s work together to create a supportive and balanced approach to your path to motherhood.
Join the Conversation
How is your fertility journey affecting your story? Your story might just help another hopeful mama navigate her path to motherhood. Leave a comment below or connect with us on Instagram.
To fully benefit from these topics, consider subscribing to the podcast, plugging into newsletters, and exploring coaching opportunities. I'm here to support you every step of the way.
Be sure to share connect with Sarah: Message Sarah on Instagram: @SarahBrandell
LINKS AND RESOURCES MENTIONED IN TODAY’S EPISODE:
- Connect with Bailey: HERE
- Baby Belief Plan Workbook: HERE
- Two Week Wait Workbook: HERE
- Interested in getting some coaching while you are on this path? Sign up for a consult call here: www.sarahbrandell.com/apply
MORE ABOUT THE PATH TO MOTHERHOOD PODCAST:
Welcome to The Path to Motherhood Podcast. I’m your host Sarah Brandell and I’m a fertility life coach, wife, and a mother on a mission to help you manage your mind and emotions around fertility and trying to conceive. I know where you are because I’ve been there. I have been through the long journey to motherhood, the waiting, the appointments, the testing, the unanswered questions, the medications, the shots and I am ready to help.
This podcast is for you if you are ready to learn how to navigate your path to motherhood authentically while honoring the emotions but also cultivating some hope. Join us each Monday as we walk through how to use the power of coaching to not only feel better along the way but also feel like you have an identity out of just trying to conceive.
Connect with me on @SarahBrandell on Instagram!
Download your free 2 week wait workbook here: www.sarahbrandell.com/twoweekwait
Ready for one on one coaching? Schedule a free consult call here: www.sarahbrandell.com/apply
Keywords: Infertility and career, managing infertility at work, fertility journey impact on career, balancing work and fertility treatments, workplace support for infertility, infertility coaching, emotional impact of infertility on job, career growth and infertility, advocating for fertility treatments at work, infertility and job performance.
Transcript
Episode 84: Transcript
You are listening to episode 84 of the Path to Motherhood podcast.
Welcome to the Path to Motherhood podcast.
I'm your host and fertility life coach, Sarah Randell.
Join us each week as we walk through navigating your trying to conceive journey.
My mission is to share the skills of managing your mind,
Processing emotions and living a full life to create a more authentic path to motherhood.
Hello and welcome back to the Path to Motherhood podcast. I am your host,
Sarah. I'm super excited to be talking with all of you today. I have a guest on, so I won't spend
too long. I want to dive into the episode, but just so you guys know a little bit more about our
guest today is Ms. Bailey. She will be introducing herself here in a moment, but I reached out to
Bailey on social media because she is someone I started following early on in my kind of dive
into the infertility world on Instagram. And she has been someone who has just been super supportive,
great to connect with and ask questions to, follow along on her story, and just always so
willing to be helpful, to lend a hand, to lend a piece of advice, to listen to a
piece of advice, to just share the real truth of what it is to be on an
infertility journey. And she does it in such a beautiful way. And I told her I
love following her because I can just see that she is doing what I see from the
outside as a pretty good job of balancing real life with infertility. That
That doesn't mean the infertility's been easy, but it means that she still is going out there
and traveling and doing things with her husband and building this amazing business and working
her full-time career and just really being an awesome woman while also going through
an infertility journey.
And I think some of us can kind of get a couple years down the road of infertility and look
back and be like, "What the heck have I been doing with my life?"
That's definitely not her.
She has been busy.
She has been building amazing things and I'm just excited to have her on.
After the last few weeks of just sharing all these other ways that we can keep connected
to ourselves and our identity while going through a infertility journey, I think Bailey
really does a good job of demonstrating that in practice.
So without further ado, we will dive into today's episode.
Welcome to the Paths Motherhood Podcast this week.
I am super excited to have a guest on with us.
And to kick things off and kind of dive into
what we're gonna talk about today,
I am gonna let Bailey introduce herself.
- Thank you, I'm so excited to be here.
So my name is Bailey Daikama.
I feel like I'm aware of many hats,
which probably most of us women could probably say.
I'm a wife, infertility warrior and advocate.
I am also a nurse anesthetist.
We have our first baby on the wave finally,
after a long journey,
which I'm sure we'll talk about today
because that's what we're here for.
I am also a small business owner.
And obviously we're gonna get into
how infertility has changed me and changed our lives.
And just, I think we grow and develop a lot through this,
right?
It stretches us and makes us grow.
But one of the things that I became really passionate about
during my infertility journey is preventative health
and hormone health specifically.
So I am really passionate about living holistically,
but I also like to say realistically
because you can totally go off the deep end.
And so there's always a good sense of balance there.
And I like helping other people to find the balance
and simple swaps and just adjustments
to their daily routine just to feel better
and live their best life.
- Yeah, I love that.
And we'll get into it, but I appreciate the find
the reasonable changes
because you can't absolutely go off the deep end.
- Oh yeah.
- I think that I've always like related to your stuff
on social media because we both have this
like medical background but are also doing other things
and going through this crazy journey of infertility.
So, you know, this month we're talking a lot about
how to balance everything that is taking all of our attention
in the infertility space while also trying to live a life.
Right? We can't just put all of that on pause.
And I think probably the best way to start out with that
is if you want to share just a little bit about your story.
You said you are expecting, which is super exciting.
I'm so happy for you.
And that will kind of help frame what we talk about
as far as how you've balanced everything.
- Yeah, absolutely.
So how much time we got here?
- I know, right?
- It's hard to get the clip notes.
So our infertility journey started in 2018,
fall of 2018. So it was about five and a half years. Took a lot of twists and turns as most do. So
I was never the person that grew up like I need to be a mom. Like you know, I mean obviously I played
with dolls or whatever I'm sure but you know I was like I always knew I wanted to be a mom but
that wasn't like my number one burning desire. And so I went to anesthesia school. My husband and I
started dating actually right at the beginning of my
anesthesia school, we got married while I was in school.
And that's a really stressful time.
And I just kind of, we always, we all laugh at this having a
plan thing, right?
When, you know, the other side of it.
But so the plan was to graduate school, start my new job, and
just enjoy being married and living for a year.
So before we started trying, and then I was going to try and
have two kids by the time I was 30 and I had a great little fairy tale I had.
So it got to about, I would say, like six months when I was out of school and like
one day a switch just flipped in me and I was like, I'm ready.
I'm ready now.
I want to have kids and it was like this really like almost bizarre feeling.
Because like I said, I had never been that person with that was just like had this burning desire.
So I had a couple trips coming up.
I wanted to stay on my birth control to get through those because, you know, of course,
when I got off my birth control, I was just going to get pregnant. And so a couple months
later came off the pill. I had a period. And then after that, my periods kept getting longer
and longer and longer. And, or I should say cycles, not my periods necessarily. And that
is a total mind game when you're trying to get pregnant, of course, because I'm like,
well, my period's missing. But the pregnancy tests are all negative, like what's going
on here. So I did not waste a lot of time before contacting my doctor. At one point, I think I went
about 90 days without a period and I had to have that induced with medicine. And so at that point,
thankfully, I had a like a working relationship with my OBGYN and she really didn't want to like
waste my time and emotions and all that and helped me to kind of move along the infertility path
before we had been trying the one year.
You know?
And so she worked me up and she said, you know, you don't fit the typical PCOS picture,
but I think you have PCOS.
And I'm going to send you on to somebody else who sees this a little bit more.
And she referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist.
We did a workup with my husband.
We also found that we have male factor infertility as well.
So he has a varicoseal.
he was gonna get that operated on.
And then a couple days later,
or a couple days before his surgery,
COVID shut down the world.
And so we never ended up having surgery on that,
which I'm okay with on this end.
We were able to overcome that side.
And we did, just to kind of speed things up,
three IUIs, all of those failed.
We started IVF and I did two retrievals.
We did four transfers with six embryos.
We had two failures, one chemical and one early miscarriage.
Like we got to our first ultrasound
that didn't have a heartbeat.
And at that point, my doctor was like,
there's something we're missing here.
Let's do more tests.
So we really did like the whole recurrent pregnancy workup.
We finally did a resuptiva biopsy, which came back positive.
And that is something that I am passionate about now
because I'm like, holy crap, this changed the trajectory.
And we did another retrieval.
I had surgery to remove endometriosis.
And that was really like from our last retrieval
to the time we were able to get through surgery,
do another transfer was almost a year,
but our transfer after surgery finally worked.
So embryo number seven is now the bun in the oven.
- That's amazing.
And like you said, that is like the crazy cliff notes
that fast forward all of those years.
I can absolutely relate to the switch flipping.
My mom always is like,
you always said you never wanted to have kids
and now look like the space that you live in
is talking about wanting them so badly.
I'm like, yeah, I know.
- Life is humbling.
- It is.
And then just in case somebody doesn't know,
the Reseptiva test is for looking for signs
of endometriosis.
- Yes, so, Receptiva is an endometrial biopsy.
So they go in and take a little tissue
from the inside of your uterus,
and they test for an inflammatory marker.
And if that comes back positive,
so it's not a like 100% diagnostic tool
for endometriosis, but if it comes back positive,
there's a 96% chance that they will find endometriosis
on a laparoscopy.
Leparoscopy is surgery, minimally invasive surgery.
And it is the only way to for sure diagnose endometriosis
and also the gold standard of treatment
to have that endometriosis excised.
- And a lot of people here,
like you have to have surgery to know if you have it.
Do you know, you may not,
but do you know if your tests were to come back negative,
it doesn't, you could still have it
it just didn't catch on the test?
I don't know that for sure.
I don't want to steer anybody in the wrong way.
Yeah, I was just wondering.
I wouldn't be surprised, you know, endometriosis kind of comes up in flares
and really what it boils down to is it's an inflammatory disease.
And so that's why they're looking for this inflammatory marker in your uterus.
I have heard people that have had a test come back negative and then they've
repeated it and it's come back positive.
Interesting.
my suspicion just like with my own medical background and kind of
rationalizing my way through it is that maybe if you're on medications like birth control or things like that,
that they typically use to suppress anometriosis, that it might not come back positive.
That makes sense. Yeah. And of course, like you're saying, we're not trying to give anyone advice about their medicine,
but it at least gives you ideas of things to talk about because I don't think that's a test that's always often recommended a lot of places.
But it can be a way to right overcome the big burden of, oh, I need to have this surgery.
If you have that comeback positive, it's going to help you feel a lot stronger about having that surgery.
So yeah, absolutely.
And I know a lot of people sometimes just go down that route to have surgery because they don't, you know,
they're like looking for answers.
And there's nothing wrong with that, but it's much less invasive to do the receptive of IOPC.
And personally, you know, because of my experience, I feel like it should be part of an initial work up.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So for you, going through this, like you said, the last year was a lot of
healing from surgery, preparing to have surgery, all that stuff, which I don't know that we're going
to spend a bunch of the time of the episode talking about this, but I think you probably could speak
to the importance of finding the proper surgeon to do that surgery is important.
Yes, absolutely. So a lot of OBGYNs operate and a lot of them, you know, will say that they can
treat endometriosis and something important to know. Just like I said in my introduction,
I'm a nurse anesthetist. So I sit on the other side of the drapes and I watch surgery every single
day. And so I've seen this firsthand that a lot of OBGYNs that are not specially trained in endometriosis
will just take cottery and they'll like cotterize or ablate the little lesions.
And I think that helps to some extent, but that's absolutely not
going to give you the best results. It's not the most comprehensive.
And I think most OBGYNs, well, I know, are not trained to find all endometriosis lesions.
So there are experts out there. Nancy's Nook is a really good resource.
If you have endometriosis and you're looking for more information on
surgeons that are qualified. That's a Facebook group that you can get into. And then also,
my surgeon ended up being a napro surgeon, which is natural procreative technology. And these surgeons
are also specially trained in many surgical techniques. They really, really like to look at
the root cause of issues and get down to the root cause versus just prescribing medications like
many other doctors do. So that's what I appreciate more and why I ended up going with a NAPRO surgeon.
And yes, they're also very, very qualified. They use specialized techniques called Pelveoplasti,
which is essentially, they describe it as like plastic surgery in your abdomen to also help
decrease the risk of like scar tissue and adhesions and stuff like that, because that can be a
after anometriosis excision.
- Yeah, absolutely.
So there's people listening to this
that are going through IVF,
don't wanna go through IVF,
all the different routes.
NAPRO, I know from the experience
of the few people that providers that I've dealt with
have been not really pro IVF.
So did she know that you were doing that?
Was she giving you any pushback about that?
Was that an issue at all or?
- She did and she's so incredibly supportive.
just and she actually it was interesting. We've talked a little bit like post surgery and post
pregnancy. She messaged my surgeon, messaged me at seven o'clock one night a couple months ago,
just wondering how I was doing. She's the salt of the earth. I'm happy that if anybody wants to
you know get in touch with me and I can give you her details but and I told her you know we were
pregnant and she wanted updates and things like that and I had talked to her about our protocol
that we went through for our transfer this last time was also a modified natural transfer,
which is less medication and I think really also contributed to our success and she was
interested in learning more about that. So absolutely no pushback at all.
That's awesome. Okay.
Yeah, very supportive.
Cool. So over the last five and a half years, like you said, for you, what do you think has
has been the biggest struggle or hurdle
to balance this infertility journey
with everything else going on in life?
- For me, I'm an Enneagram III, I'm an achiever.
I am very just like, figure it out, get it done.
And for me, it's been the hardest thing
that I have no control over this, right?
And it took me a really long time to wrap my mind around that.
I think particularly in the first probably year,
I think it took for me to like be public
about what we were going through.
And I think in that time, it really did consume me
because I didn't have anybody else that understood it
and that I could go to and talk to about it.
And also I just, I wasn't utilizing all the resources
out there because I wasn't connecting with people.
And so it really did overwhelm and consume my life.
And it took me a long time to realize like,
hey, this timeline is probably out of my control,
but I'm telling you when I did,
it was so freeing because, you know,
I mean, even to some extent through it all,
you know, you have to plan your life
around treatments a little bit.
But I got to the point where I was just like,
I am so miserable, nothing brings me joy anymore.
Like I have to find those things that bring me joy
and get back into traveling
and getting away and being able to like, you know,
I'm not gonna say like go on vacation and relax
and you'll get pregnant, no.
But our mental health is important
and if that brings joy, like that's something
that you need to continue to prioritize during this.
So it was definitely like a learning process along the way.
I was really fortunate to work with a therapist
who has had her own infertility and lost her any
and this is kind of a second career for her.
So that's her focus now.
And she really helped me work through a lot of that
and get to the point where I was able to find joy,
stop beating myself up, you know,
and find some sense of balance through it all.
- Yeah, there was a lot of gyms in there.
So I think that one of the things
that kind of made me think about is the fact
that you were talking about in that first year
where you really held everything close.
Sometimes I think that even if we're not like
telling ourselves this, maybe subconsciously we're thinking like,
if I don't talk about it, if I don't share about it, like,
it's not going to be this thing that consumes me.
And ironically it does.
And then opening them up.
I don't know when you started sharing on your Instagram, but like having
people to talk to about it, to rate, relate to about it, to go to your
therapist and talk to about it actually helps you to feel less consumed.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
I mean, if we don't process our feelings, you know, like our
body holds on to that. And that affects us in our day to day. It also probably I dare
to say affects our fertility, you know, we have all these tumultuous feelings inside
all this grief, this anger, this resentment, like that's not doing our body any favors,
right? Like, that's not the environment that a baby wants to grow in, right? So it can
be so hard. And I don't want to dismiss anybody that's, you know, in that stage that they're
just not ready to talk about it because I know even once I was ready to talk about it for years
I couldn't without like breaking into tears, you know, and it was so triggering and there were
Events that I had to say no to and just things that I had to protect my heart from
But being open about it finding the people that can relate and just people like my therapist to help
me work through these emotions has been life-changing. For sure. Yeah. One of the things, so I host
locally a monthly support group and one of the things I've noticed there is you will see women
at different stages of that journey, right? Like the ones who like, I tell people, you don't have
to talk, like you can come and just sit and listen. That's totally fine. So like the ones who are not
really ready to share a bunch. The ones who like are starting to and are just still like so angry
that this is what they've been dealt and I don't you know that's I've been there for a while. So
angry and like everything every thought about the process the treatment the everything is just
anger coming out and like let it come out. And then the ones who have gotten to that place where
it's like I'll just share anything I don't care I'm able to get through it without like you said
breaking down in tears every single time I talk about it. That just takes time and for some people
they may never get to that point and that's okay. Yeah, absolutely. So you talked about
vacations. I think that was really the thing that made me reach out to you is you from the outside
you look like you're always having fun. So that's good. That's good. For you, you said vacations,
what have been the main things that you've like prioritized to like enjoy along the way?
You know, I think I really had to just like take an inventory of like what what brings
me joy or maybe maybe I was in the place where like nothing brought me joy but like what used
to bring me joy, you know, and light me up. And for me, the big things have always been,
I do love traveling. We were talking before we started recording but have been living in a small
town, you know, and just Minnesota, there's it's beautiful here in the summer, but you know,
winters get long. And that's another thing to actually season old oppression is a real thing.
And the winters really long and dark. And so it's always been really helpful for me to be able to
escape that. So, you know, I, my husband and I like to travel and take at least one trip during
the winter. I usually get to take another continuing education trip every year for my anesthesia
business and I do not miss that opportunity like I go. I am on that and then I also have a business
that allows me to do more traveling and really has also been a space of joy for me and purpose
through this journey. So my business is it's with the company called Tew and Grace and it was founded
by a husband and wife who have their own 14-year fertility journey and they learned a lot about
the daily chemicals and things that were exposed to that affect our hormones. And there was just
really a gap in the industry for products that are not only actually clean because we know people
can throw that clean or, you know, a green leaf on something and call it clean, but it's really
not regulated at all. So there was a gap for products that like you could trust and they're
not only clean, but they're also safe for your hormones and beneficial for your hormones. And so
Obviously, when I heard about this company right away, I was like, well, this is something
that really resonates with me and is something that I'm really interested in.
And it has been such a huge blessing for me as well, just because then not only do I have
resources in my life for things that I put in my body and on my skin and use around my house
that I know are safe and I can trust.
And it's just one less thing that I have to worry about.
but I get to help other people do that as well. And having such a big infertility community,
it's been really a joy for me to be able to teach other people these things that I had no clue about
when I started my infertility journey. And frankly, I rolled my eyes at because, you know,
I'd have people be like, Well, you know, that skincare that you're using, I had a friend and
she stopped using it. And then she got pregnant and I'm just like rolling my eyes. But you know,
really my light bulb moment was when I realized like I'm putting on these tiny estrogen patches
for IVF right and then it dramatically changes my estrogen levels like how much more is the seven
layers of products that I'm putting on my face every day and my body you know how much more is
that affecting me and so that was kind of my light bulb moment and I think everybody needs to come
to that at their own time because like you said there's a lot of anger and resentment on this
journey and a lot of self-blame. And that's a really, it's a difficult thing to navigate
and get past, you know, to get to a point where we're not blaming ourselves for what's
happening. But also, we're taking back the power to make choices that can positively
impact not only our fertility, but our health in general.
I think that's key.
I talk about often, you know, you talked about how this is something similar,
processing emotions and how important that is and how that can help control how you feel in a day.
Right.
And that can be taken in two ways.
That can be taken in, oh, it's my fault that I feel like shit, or that can be taken in, oh, I have the power to, you know, control how I show up.
And some days that's going to be that I choose to feel like shit and that's okay.
But some days I get to choose, like I get to find the things that I'm going to enjoy
and taking it in that more empowering way rather than like be yourself downway.
And the same thing happens for changing products and exposures to things and all of that stuff.
The more you know, the more you grow, right?
You can't do it before you know about it.
Yeah, absolutely.
I think that's probably like the resounding theme of this episode is that, you know, I got to a point in my journey with all of the things with
finding life balance with the products that I use with whatever
that I realized that there's so much out of my control,
but then there's also things that I can control
and taking back the power makes me feel so much more better
and more empowered, you know,
and able to handle what the day throws at me.
- Yeah, absolutely.
And for you, you know,
you have a couple of different things that you are working in,
not dabbling and working in.
So how did kind of getting through like managing your work,
your career, all of that show up as far as infertility goes?
'Cause you, I don't know,
I don't know exactly what all you do.
Are you in with C-sections and things like that?
- Yes, yeah, I am.
So when I first started my infertility journey,
I was not doing any OB anesthesia.
And during 2020 in kind of the middle of infertility
COVID and all the things, we moved and I started a new job and there have been, there was good
and bad things about that job. I actually am no longer there as of last week, but it has definitely
been a balance in anesthesia, especially in a small practice that I was in. It was very difficult
to schedule, you know, my appointments and things like that. At one point, there was only two of us
in our department. So if I was gone, I needed to find somebody to cover me. And I lived
two and a half hours from my clinic. So, in that one way, you know, so it was a struggle
at times. And also, I took a lot of call, which can really take a toll on your body,
just like being up in the middle of the night in your regular hours and things like that.
But as far as, you know, being at work, I would say most of the time I did a fair amount
of OB and most of the time I did okay with it.
There were moments when it was definitely triggering,
especially after I had my miscarriage, things like losses
and things like that.
Of course, like dealing with a fetal demise
is always just terrible for everybody involved,
especially the patient, obviously, I'm very delicate,
but there's also situations where you have those moms
that are on drugs and this is their seventh baby
and they keep getting taken away.
And like those things I think were the hardest for me
to deal with when I'm like, hey, I'm established professional with a loving marriage and a
happy home like we could really take good care of a baby and here we are.
So there are just some things that we'll never understand.
And I think I'm getting to the point where I can say that I'm not angry at my infertility
journey anymore because I can see how much I've grown as a person and that was just a
personal choice that I made too at some point in this.
I was like, Hey, life can happen to me or it can happen for me.
So like I'm here in this season and I can be angry and resentful and bitter and whatever,
but I can also use it as an opportunity to grow as a person and to develop me into the person
that I want to be when I am a mom someday, you know,
that's beautiful.
Yeah, I would think about when I was waiting, you know, for that baby in my arms, I would think about
do I want to show up that day feeling so like broken down and beaten down and upset of however
the last handful of years has gone and like just, you know, angry? Or do I want to find some way to
enjoy what I can about these few years until whenever this baby shows up in my arms.
So I feel like a real person, right? I still feel like I have part of me there. I haven't lost myself in the process.
Yeah, absolutely. You know, one of the things that I've done for a lot of years is a gratitude practice.
And I try to start every day with writing down at least three things that I'm grateful for.
And I think that also helps really just shift my mindset. But like you said, there are still good things about this season.
And sometimes I look at my husband even now that I'm pregnant and I'm like, man, we really
like our routines and we really like our sleep at night.
Like, are we sure this is what we want?
And of course, that's what we want.
But you know, there is still perks to like being childless.
And I think, you know, you can spend the time, like you said, being angry and resentful and
bitter or you can try to just enjoy what you can and take it for what it is.
And I think the important thing is if you're like getting angry as we're saying that that means like
You still need to hold on to the fact that you can let yourself be angry for a while like that's okay
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. We've all been there right like that is definitely how this starts and it's a process
But also I want people to know that there's hope that you're not you're you don't have to be stuck in that place
And you won't be stuck in that place forever if you don't want to be
Yeah, I don't know if this if this if you connect with this, but I always think about I
Think when we start an infertility journey, we think I'll be happy. I'll be fulfilled when I
Get there and I think man
What a shame to not just decide to be that now however that shows up, you know
However, you can do that so that you can still be that way when the baby shows up. Yeah, absolutely
I think that's been a big thing for me
on my journey and I think
Part of that is you know how people say like they've learned things from their parents like how they don't want to be or previously
Relationships, you know, you don't want and I think part of connecting with other people online
And this is not to like put anybody else down
but I've seen other people be so anxious and
Wound up through this whole journey and they get to the other side of it
And then they're still completely an anxious mess like they can't enjoy pregnancy at all and I'm not saying there's not hard moments
I've had my anxious moments too, you know, but
that they're just a nervous wreck and then all these still mental health issues and and
having a baby, I think anybody that's on the other side of it will say that it doesn't
erase infertility, you know, it doesn't erase the trauma of what you've gone through. And
so either you can deal with that trauma as it comes during infertility, or you can hold
on to it, and it's going to follow you. And then you have to deal with it later or just
kind of live a miserable existence, you know?
- Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
So as far as like advice you would give
for someone who is like, I want to do that.
Like I wanna find some things
to kind of pour myself into that I can enjoy.
What tips would you give?
Even if it's like little logistical tips
or ideas for them to brainstorm
what they might enjoy to pour themselves into,
what would you say?
- Yeah, so first of all,
I think having a therapist that specializes in fertility,
and I know not everybody's that lucky,
has really helped me to come up with some of these ideas.
And I think if you can find a person that you connect with,
whether they are specialized in fertility or not,
I think that can make a big difference.
But also in your day to day,
you know, little things like my gratitude practice,
or even journaling.
I know sometimes we have a lot of thoughts and feelings
that get stuck inside of us,
And a lot of times I'll admit, I don't want to sit down
and take the time to journal all my feelings out,
but it can be so cathartic and such a release
to just get what you're feeling out on paper.
And a lot of times I think things will come up
and ideas will come up that you didn't even recognize.
So I put the pen to paper,
start by writing a couple of things you're grateful for
if you can't even think of one,
'cause believe me, I've had those days too
where I'm just like, everything is awful.
You know, just start by journaling what's going on,
how you're feeling, and I think that can just provide
a relief for you and a little bit of a weight
off your shoulders to get those feelings out.
Another thing that's actually been helpful for me,
which kind of seems unrelated
and maybe a little bit woo-woo is yoga.
restorative yoga, especially like stretching out your hips.
First of all, as a society, we sit a lot
and so we need to stretch our hips,
but that's also where we hold on to a lot of emotion.
There's a program out there called Fertile Hope Yoga
and I have done it off and on throughout the years.
I will be the first to admit
I'm not super consistent with it, but when I do it,
I love it and I'm like, I should do this more often.
And they even have a small yoga session called
dealing with difficult emotions or something like that.
and you can just feel the release just by like moving your body.
So that's another thing I would say,
even if it's not yoga,
like move your body in a way that's meaningful to you
and helps you feel better not as like a,
this is punishment for my body I'm working out
because I'm so mad at what it can't do
or the extra weight or whatever, you know?
But I think moving your body, writing,
and yeah, just spending time thinking
about what brings you joy.
If you need to go back and look through your Instagram feed
and like find moments when you were happy for ideas,
maybe that's something you do too.
- That's great.
I always joke about I did quite a bit of yoga
leading up to my first.
And once you have one, it's hard to get to,
I was going to classes, so it's hard to get to classes.
Leading out to my first and through my pregnancy,
I was doing yoga.
And so many times they would be like,
are you gonna come to the like power blah blah blah?
Or they're like, no, I'm gonna stay with the Zen class.
- Yeah, definitely Zen yoga.
- And I loved it, loved it.
So I like that idea.
What do you think are some ways
that you have been able to kind of incorporate
finding the joy, the things to look forward to,
but doing that with your partner?
Because that can be, you know, for some people,
this journey can actually bring people really close together
in their relationships.
And for others, it can be a big struggle.
So what has that, how has that shown up for you?
- Oh, that's a good question.
So one thing, you know, I think my husband and I
had a pretty good base to go off of, you know,
when we started this, you're so right,
it can bring you closer together, close,
or further apart, but we haven't had this so much
since like the middle of the pandemic,
but we used to go to like a small group with our church
and just have other couple friends, like people that,
faith is really important to us.
people that would pray with us and that we could stay connected to and would also, you know, just
also other Christian couples, you know. I think that's been a helpful thing.
Something else that we started when we got married was every year for our anniversary,
we would go away for a weekend to a different bed and breakfast. And, you know, that can look
different for everybody. And then that changed a little bit again in COVID times too, and when
when we bought our lake place, but that's actually--
- That sounds so nice.
- Yeah, we're actually going this weekend.
So we haven't done it in a couple of years
and we're actually going this week
in our anniversaries in a couple of weeks.
And so especially we just, for the context for everybody
that doesn't know me in real life right now,
we just moved and I'm going through a job change
and there's been a lot of change right now.
We just, we really need that time away to reconnect
and that's something that we're prioritizing now
and play on to continue prioritizing into parenthood too.
So we're going away this weekend
and whatever that looks like for you.
You know, it doesn't have to look the same,
but just I think being intentional in spending time together
and getting out of your normal routines.
'Cause I know for us, even like at the end of the day,
a lot of times we just plop on the couch
and, you know, cuddle with the animals
and turn on Netflix or sporting event or whatever.
And I think just like being intentional
to get out of those routines sometimes
and spend barely focused time on each other
has been helpful.
Like some nights we'll just be like,
let's play a game or something different just to reconnect.
- I like those ideas.
I always joke the one main one that we've done
over the last couple of years is we,
three years ago, four years ago,
I don't know, they start to blur together.
We got season tickets to the bank holds games.
- That's awesome.
- And we go, you know, the whole season to every single game.
We even, the past couple of years,
We've picked up a couple like we've gone to Buffalo
or different places and gone to games.
And I know some people are like, I hate football.
Okay, not your thing, pick something else,
but like we love it.
It's just like this thing, the two of us go,
we absolutely love it.
So that's, even if it's just like for a day,
like a little time like that can be great.
- Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, whatever like a little intentional day night
looks like to you.
I mean, we are not fortunate enough to have season tickets,
but I have a friend that has season tickets
through the Vikings.
And once a year, we also get tickets from her and go.
So that's another little thing that we do, I guess,
to the football family here.
- So as we start to close up,
is there any other like being that you can think of
that you wish somebody would have said to you
maybe five years ago?
Knowing like the headspace you were in then,
because there's some great pieces of advice,
I think that are said to people all the time,
but like they're not ready to hear that
piece of advice yet. So is there something you could like put yourself back into those
shoes that would have been beneficial to hear then?
I think probably just be gentle with yourself. Like this is uncharted territory and it's
emotional and it's heavy and it's all new. I mean, even as a medical professional, you
know, like I wasn't well versed in infertility, there's a lot to learn, you know, and, and
can be a lot of pressure to, especially as like a personality that I have to do everything
perfectly or to know all the things and and at the end of the day really all that pressure
just creates more stress on your body and does more harm than good. So be gentle with yourself,
tap into your resources, like connect with other people that are going through this.
Even if you're not ready to open up in your regular life, a lot of people do open up, you know, like a separate Instagram account
to connect with other people in the infertility community.
And I think that makes a world of a difference.
Yeah, I say this often, but I just want to remind people, I think even if you do like a faceless Instagram account, you can get so much
amazing support and hear helpful stories and get to know people in a way that I don't think
that the Facebook groups does.
Yeah.
I think there's a lot of fear on the Facebook groups.
They can be useful for things, right?
Like you can go find providers, get recommendations and stuff.
But when those were like constantly coming up on my Facebook feed, those could really stress
me out.
So I have to hide them and just go to them when I want to go to them.
But Instagram has been a totally different place for me for connecting with people.
Yeah.
And also I think sometimes you want separation from it too, right?
Like you're on Instagram, you know, like that's the community you're going to get,
at least for me.
And, you know, on Facebook it's a little bit different.
And so I think that's maybe another piece of advice that I would give people too is
like, know that it's okay to have boundaries, you know, with other people, with yourself.
Like if you need to put it down.
something that I haven't mentioned in all of this, but something else that really was
helpful to me on my journey was taking breaks.
And yeah, that probably contributed to our journey being five and a half years long,
but it also really, really helped my mental health and my physical health, you know, have
breaks from treatments and all the things.
Yeah, absolutely very important.
And I think sometimes people are really afraid to do that.
they pushed through and they maybe shouldn't have.
So I appreciate you reminding people.
It's okay to take breaks.
- Yeah, absolutely.
And having said that, I also need to mention,
I was privileged to have PCOS and not have issues
with like diminished ovarian reserve.
Of course, that's kind of a different situation
and heart goes out to those people, but.
- Yeah, absolutely.
Absolutely.
Well, I really appreciate you coming on.
I know you will inspire some people
to hopefully find some fun
in the next couple months of their journey.
And yeah, just feel,
I just want to make the process feel a little lighter, right?
It's not to like pretend that it's all happy
and there's nothing wrong,
but just feel less miserable,
is what I say all the time.
So I appreciate you coming on.
I hope you get to enjoy your weekend away.
- Thank you.
We're really looking forward to it.
We need separation from the moving boxes.
- Yes, yes, absolutely.
And good luck on the next what?
like a couple months and this bundle of joy coming.
- Another 20 weeks, we're about halfway.
- Wow, perfect.
Okay, well thank you so much
and everyone I will talk to you all next week.
- Hey there, Inspired Mama.
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