Episode 46: Transcript

You are listening to episode 46 of the Path to Motherhood podcast.

Welcome to the Path to Motherhood podcast.

I'm your host and fertility life coach Sarah Randell.

Join us each week as we walk through navigating your trying to conceive journey.

My mission is to share the skills of managing your mind, processing emotions and living a full life to create a more authentic path to motherhood.

Hello, hello, welcome to another week.

I hope that you are doing so well.

I don't know about you, but I'm getting to that point in the summer where it is so hot every single day.

And I don't know, kind of daydreaming about a couple cool evenings.

about a fall evening that sounds kind of nice.

Some of it totally probably has to do with the fact that we're in the early first trimester.

And I'm exhausted.

Like let's be real, I'm really tired.

So being out in the heat just does not sound like something that I wanna be doing right now, but I don't know, I'm just, I'm getting ready for the fall.

I keep thinking about cooler evenings, bonfires, it just sounds really nice to me.

So today, what I wanted to do is I wanted to kind of follow up to last week's episode.

Last week, we spent our time talking about hope.

We talked a bit about hope resistance, which I know a lot of us experienced on our infertility journey.

We talked about, you know, what I really believe hope is and how it shows up on your journey and how it can be beneficial to believe in the possibility of the future.

We also talked about, you know, how do we go about creating hope.

And I really hope, as we talk about it, that, you know, if you haven't, you go back and listen to that episode and really start to try to apply those steps because they really can recreate your kind of experience of this journey.

And so I would love that for each and every one of you.

But today, my plan is to kind of follow up that episode with a part two sort of, where we talk about the opposite emotion.

So to me, the opposite of possibility, the opposite of belief of possibility, the opposite of hope is doubt.

And so what I wanna do today is to talk a little bit about how do we deal with doubt.

What do we do with doubt.

If we're gonna talk about cultivating hope, we should probably follow that up with talking about, well, what do we do in the moments where we feel doubtful.

Because they're gonna come up and to think that they aren't going to is just unreasonable.

And I think it's so important to cover both of these topics because I find that women tend to live in a couple different camps.

So either they have like convinced themselves, I've gotta be hopeful, I've gotta be positive, and they're really trying to force themselves into positivity, or they've kind of thrown in the towel and they're like, screw it, I'm just full of doubt, I don't even have any hope that this cycle is gonna work.

And that totally 100% comes from all or nothing thinking.

And the truth is that what's more likely, what's more authentic is that we have moments of doubt and we have moments of hope, right.

Like our experience is a mixture of both.

And as I talk about this, you know, this can be at any moment in your journey, right.

Like this could be deciding to go get your first round of testing about infertility.

This could be, you know, waiting in the two week wait.

This could be waiting for embryo results.

this could be waiting for your first consultation with an infertility specialist, whatever it is, right.

Like this can be applied to so many different areas.

It can be applied to pregnancy after infertility or loss.

So these topics, these, you know, ways of thinking about things are beneficial across the board.

But what I think is interesting is like I said, we trick ourselves into this all or nothing thinking of like, I've gotta be hopeful or screwed.

I'm just gonna be doubtful.

And the truth is that you're probably a mixture of both.

And if we're really stuck in like fighting for trying to be as positive as possible, then we may feel like we just can't get away from doubt, right.

So that's something that we wanna work through.

But one thing that I wanna dispel off the bat before we go any further is any of the toxic commentary about the fact that you can like think your way positively to a baby and if you're just not thinking positively enough it's your fault you don't have a baby.

Nope.

Screw it, drop it, take it off the shelf.

Not true.

I am 100% here to talk about mindset and 100% here to support all of you and your mindset but to give all your power to your mindset and nothing else is just unreasonable and so if anyone has ever said that to you if you've ever thought that, I'm here to 100% dispel that.

Like we are human beings and as we've talked about recently, life is 50/50.

It's not all positive.

It's not all negative.

We should expect a mixture of both and that includes how we feel about the likelihood of us having a baby.

There's gonna be moments where we feel hopeful.

There's gonna be moments that we feel doubtful and it's okay that it's that way.

There's nothing that's gone wrong for to be that way.

I actually think that the ideal way for you to try to conceive that decreases your stress hormones and regulates your nervous system in a way that is going to be most likely for you to conceive is going to be to live authentically.

Right.

And so that's what I'm all about.

It's not to like fake positivity.

It's not to be stuck in 100% woe is me.

I'm, you know, the end of the world energy 24/7, but it is to be honest, to allow what is actually coming up and be okay with the fact that it can be both.

Before we go any farther talking about doubt, I did want to address something that's just really important, right.

Like if I'm going to sit here and tell you that like it's okay for doubt to be there, we need to talk about doubt as an emotion and how to manage doubt, because a lot of people, anything in this shade of like uncertainty and doubt, it feels really uncomfortable and it feels like something we want to avoid, right.

I did a coaching call with a client somewhat recently and she came to me and she said she's been really frustrated 'cause her last few two week waits, she just feels so doubtful.

And she's almost nervous to even go into this next cycle because she doesn't want to experience doubt.

And I kindly, I laughed at her a little bit.

And like I said, kindly, but here's the thing, like this is something you have prayed for, lived for, worked after, wanted for so long, and you have signs that it's been hard to get to, you're desperate for it.

And then to think that we're gonna go about that process of going after it and have zero moments of doubt, that's setting yourself up for failure, right.

Like she was telling herself she wasn't allowed to be doubtful and then she was just going about the whole 14 days pissed off that she was doubtful.

And so what we talked about is what we're gonna talk about today is like how about we just let some moments of doubt come up and then magically they're less frequent.

They're less often, they feel less intense, and like we talked about last week, she actually had room for hope too.

And that's what's really cool.

But like for me to get you there, we have to build some safety around it.

So what do I mean about that.

I mean that I need to get you to a place where your brain believes that it's safe to experience doubt, right.

Like if we've gone through life, resisting doubt, resisting uncertainty, assuming those are bad things to be feeling, and just really avoiding navigating those emotions, then we don't feel comfortable in places where doubt is coming up, right.

It almost is like a warning signal to us to almost turn around to walk away.

And so what we have to do first is we have to really get curious about that, and just really reflect on your past, right.

whether that's you took a risk with school, with your career, with your family, with your relationships, whatever it was, I'm willing to bet there was parts of you that had some doubt in that risk.

And did you have risks that you took that paid off, that the doubt was there, but it was worth it.

It was worth it to keep going, right.

That doesn't mean it was 100% positive.

There was no bad outcomes, but it was still worth it.

And did you allow yourself to feel that doubt and keep going.

I think about this a lot with my business.

This has been a big change for me, right.

Like coming from the medical field, being someone who like has an obvious job in front of me to go see patients and take care of patients and to do this 180 to this small business, business to coaching, which some people don't even know what coaching is, to supporting women, right.

It was a big change and I would be lying if I told you a year and a half, two years ago, when I was building this concept, when I was building this business, that I had no moments of doubt, right.

There was absolutely moments of doubt from wondering what my family would think about building this business to wondering if anyone would even want this support to wondering if I would be able to build this into something and be successful, right.

Doubt was absolutely part of the equation.

And what I think about is if I would have let that be a warning signal, if I would have ran away from this, if I would have not built this business because doubt is a bad emotion and I don't want to feel it, that inevitably would have stole so much growth for so many women, right.

Like I would have never worked with all the women that I've worked with one-on-one.

I would have never continued the social media and sharing of education that I do there that is followed by, you know, a thousand plus people.

I would never have started a podcast where I'm sharing this information with all of you.

I would never have started sending these weekly emails where I am giving you guys concepts and ideas of how to approach your journey.

And I would have never started a support group where I allow women to come and just share what's on their mind in a safe place.

And I'm sure I'm forgetting things, but like none of those things would ever been built if I would have just listened to the doubt, if I would have gave in to the doubt, if I would have let it be a warning signal.

But instead, what I have learned, and this has taken time, this did not happen overnight, is doubt is just part of the process, right.

Our brain is there to protect us to look for moments of uncertainty and look for that in our life and be like, hey, body, what are you doing.

You know that there's uncertainty in this situation.

Are we okay with that.

Our brain is really truly just trying to protect us.

Give us warning signals that, hey, you're doing something that's a little bit uncomfortable and I'm not certain it's gonna all work out.

Are you sure this is a good idea.

And like, it's like a check engine light, okay.

And it's okay to check in with doubt when doubt comes up and say like, why am I feeling this way.

Is there anything I need to change or address because I'm feeling this way.

But to run away from it, to avoid it, that's not what we're looking for here.

So I think to just shift how you think about doubt and why doubt comes up can be really helpful.

Then from there, really the goal is to practice allowing doubt.

Right, you guys can go back to some of my other episodes.

I will post the art of feeling an emotion podcast in this show notes.

But what I want you to do is to give yourself opportunities to experience doubt, right.

The way we get comfortable doing things, the way we create safety in our body, that it is safe and okay and a good idea to go through something is to practice.

And so that's what I did with that client I was talking about earlier that was frustrated that she was having so much doubt each two week wait.

I said, "Just give yourself a couple minutes "in the morning, like two minutes.

" I'm not asking for all day.

I'm literally just asking for two minutes in the morning where you can check in with yourself.

And if you're feeling doubtful, let it be there.

Right.

You've heard me talk about letting emotions in, almost like you're opening up the front door of your house and saying, "Come on in, guest.

" Right.

Like let's let doubt in today and talk with it.

Right.

It doesn't have to be out loud.

It can be in your head.

It can be journaling, whatever works for you.

Write about it.

Journal about it.

Talk with it.

Describe it.

What does it feel like to feel doubtful.

My favorite way, this is what I share in the podcast all about processing your emotions, is literally to imagine if I had someone in front of me who has never experienced doubt in their entire life, how would I describe it to them.

You going through the process of describing the experience of feeling doubtful to them, is you allowing the emotion to be there.

And that can be a really beautiful process.

So that's key number one is that we have to believe that it's okay, that it's safe to experience doubt.

And like I said, this comes in small snippets practicing for little amounts of time over time and building up our tolerance to feeling doubt.

Now that we have talked about that, I want you to hear me out, right.

Like if we're feeling, if we're in a moment and we're in a two week wait, for example, where we're feeling 100% doubtful and we're having all this hope resistance telling us it's not even worth getting my hopes up, that feels terrible, right.

Like, often I would experience this and I would feel so doubtful.

I'd be running through a two week wait, like, certain it wasn't gonna work out, certain there was no point in having any hope and it would create so much stress, so much anxiety, and deep down, I knew this is not how this process should be feeling, right.

Like, I should not feel this miserable trying to grow a baby.

But when we are in this such negative place where we just feel all doubt and nothing else, it feels miserable.

And then the opposite end of the pendulum, right, is the women who feel like, oh my gosh, I've gotta be positive, let me force myself to positivity.

That's what my girl was doing, right.

When she came to me complaining about her doubt and I asked her, well, have you been trying to deal with this over the last few two week waits.

She's like, well, I'm trying to be positive.

I'm trying to say these beautiful affirmations and I'm trying to like think it is gonna work.

This is a new possibility, new chance, new pregnancy, all this stuff, but it's just not working.

And that's because it's fake, right.

Like our brain knows it's fake.

We can try to force ourselves to be positive, but it's all fake.

And if there's doubt there and we're ignoring it and trying to force positivity, it's not gonna work, right.

It's not gonna be enjoyable.

It's not gonna actually feel positive.

So instead, what I wanna offer is to let yourself be where you are.

No judgment and just check in, right.

So, like I said, this is what I encouraged her to do.

In the mornings, I encouraged her to just check in with herself.

Today, I am feeling scared that this might not work out.

My favorite phrase, of course, right.

Of course I would be scared this might not work out.

I want this so badly.

I have poured my blood, sweat, tears, my everything into this, and I would love for this to work out.

there's a little part of me that's scared it's not.

Or, oh today, I'm actually daydreaming what nine months from now is gonna look like.

That feels like hope.

And of course I'm having this moment of hope.

I have dreamed about this for so long.

Of course, the moment I know the date that we possibly conceived, I'm dreaming about nine months from now and what it looks like and how old my kid be at this year and this year and when they'll graduate and all this stuff, right.

We build these stories, we build this belief and this is the honest truth, right.

Where we let what actually we are thinking, what we are actually feeling come up and we use that phrase of, "Of course nothing's gone wrong here that totally makes sense.

Why wouldn't I be thinking this way.

" Nothing has gone wrong if I have a day that feels more doubtful.

Nothing has gone wrong if I have a day that feels more hopeful, right.

Something tricky about the whole concept of life is 50/50 is I think people think that means like within a given day, you're gonna have 50% of the time that's positive and 50% of the time that's negative.

And I really don't believe that's true, right.

I think that's like when you look back over a span time on your life.

There are times when I've been in a heavy, painful period for weeks, for months.

There are times when I've been in a really positive, happy period of life, for weeks, for months.

And so that's really what I want you to be thinking about when you're approaching trying to like build more hope into your experience while also acknowledging moments of doubt is if you're coming from a place where you feel surrounded by doubt, right.

Like you feel that it's swung the 50/50 all the way in the negative that it's not going to just be magically like, oh, this two week wait is 50% positive emotions and 50% negative emotions.

I remember when I first started doing this work, it felt like a win to have a two week wait where I had moments of hope throughout the experience.

Now I say that, moments of hope in that a lot of the time I was anxious and a lot of the time I was doubtful but every once in a while some hope creeped in.

And from coming from "whoa is me, this is never gonna work, this sucks, I'm negative 24/7, 365" having moments of hope was a big deal, right.

And I can just tell you that that feels so different to know that you have the ability to just have those moments.

And those moments become more often, right.

Future two week waits, I had a little bit more positivity and a little bit more positivity.

And if I were to really describe my experience of this last two week wait, I've told you guys, I was not super hopeful going into it.

It's not like I was like, oh my gosh, this is the one, it's gonna work.

No, if I'm being honest, I was probably more doubtful this last two week wait than I had been the previous three.

That's just being honest, right.

Having had three failed transfers, I was pretty doubtful.

But the difference, something that I built, In my opinion over the last year, year and a half working with my own coach and now I would love to help you all build was just this overriding feeling of what will be will be.

Right.

Like of course I have moments of doubt.

Of course I have moments of hope.

And that is natural and authentic and beautiful and human to be that way.

and I have done all that I could do and whatever happens will happen and we will see.

That's how I felt in my last two week way and I think the beauty of that is how calm that feels, how okay with the lack of control that feels.

And I am telling you to be able to relinquish that control, to have that sense of calm, there is nothing better for your nervous system while trying to conceive.

And I think that comes from honoring how you really feel and not forcing yourself into one direction or the other.

So what I am offering, what I want for all of you to think about going forward, whether it's in a two-week wait or any other period of the trying to conceive journey, is to be authentic, to not judge yourself.

I kind of think of it almost like a rudder on a boat.

We can shift too far to the right, too far to the left, too far forcing ourselves to be positive, too far just stuck in our negative feelings, and as long as we kind of steer ourself back to the middle and keep going, that's where we're going to win.

That's what I want you guys to work on.

And being there and allowing yourself to be there over time will build calmness.

How many of you have ever thought of calm happening in your two week wait.

That is possible for you.

I'm telling you it is 100% possible for you.

So what I want you to do is like I said, I want you to have listened to both the Cultivating Hope and Dealing with Doubt episode.

So you have some clarity on those two opposite emotions and how they show up in times of waiting and how you want to approach both of them and start to practice this.

I have a free two-week wait workbook.

It's in the show notes.

You can click the link in the show notes to get a copy.

And it gives you a daily reading, a daily journal prompt, and a daily meditation.

And the whole idea there is it gives you a place to check in for a few minutes every day of your two weeks to just see how you're feeling.

Now, when I created this, I created it with 14 different emotions, thoughts, concepts that came up in my two week weight after two week wait after two week wait.

Now there is no saying that like the order I put those in is going to be the order you're going to experience those emotions or that you're even going to experience all 14 of those emotions.

So feel free to repeat pages, feel free to reorder the pages.

It is not one set in stone order, right.

But I think having this thing that is reminding you every day to check in and just see how you're feeling non-judgmentally and letting you experience it can be such a gift for the journey that is the two week wait.

So I really encourage you to download that if you have a two week wait coming up.

If you are not necessarily going through a two week wait but you have another period where these emotions are coming up and you want some practice, that workbook has meditations that walk you through experiencing emotions.

They walk you through how do I process doubt.

So even if you're not in a two-week wait, it is a workbook that can be super beneficial.

You just head to the link in the show notes and download it and I would be so honored to hear, you know, how it was for you, how you experienced it.

And if If you're looking for more, if you're ready to have someone like support you through this work to help you build the skill of allowing your emotions authentically, to help you find your calm and you're trying to conceive journey, then apply.

The link is also in the show notes.

Apply for a consult call.

We hop on a free call.

We talk about your story, your infertility experience, and we share how coaching and working one-on-one together could totally transform your experience of trying to conceive.

I would love for you to be the next on my coaching schedule.

I love each of my ladies that I'm working with, and I have a little bit of room to add a few more, so I would love to support you.

All the links to the workbook, to the scheduling for the consult call, all of that is in the show notes, so go ahead and head to the show notes to get that.

And otherwise, I will talk to you all next week.

Hey there, Inspired Mama.

If you enjoyed this show, I want to invite you to leave a review in your podcast player.

This helps to share the message with so many more women just like you.

Also, if you know of another hopeful mama on her path to motherhood, please share this episode with her.

I would love to get this into the ears of anyone who needs to hear it.

If you are ready to step this work up and not only learn these tools but to apply them to your unique story, head to the link in the show notes to apply for a free consult call.

I would be honored to help you.

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