Episode 50: Transcript

You are listening to episode 50 of the Path to Motherhood podcast.

Welcome to the Path to Motherhood podcast.

I'm your host and fertility life coach, Sarah Randell.

Join us each week as we walk through navigating your trying to conceive journey.

My mission is to share the skills of managing your mind, processing emotions and living a full life to create a more authentic path to motherhood.

(upbeat music) Hello, hello.

Welcome to today's episode.

I am looking out the most beautiful window of the most beautiful view, enjoying the end of August.

And I truly cannot believe that I am recording episode 50 of the Path to Motherhood podcast.

I had dreamed of launching a podcast for years.

I've shared that in previous episodes, if you've ever heard that before.

But honestly, I dreamed about it before I knew what I wanted it to be about.

I just loved listening to them.

I really remember when I first started listening to podcasts in college, it was like the thing that like passed all my time, what I did when I was doing chores, cleaning, walking, like I just loved listening to them.

And I always thought it would be so cool to have my own podcast, but I had no idea what it was gonna be about.

And last summer, I started thinking, you know what.

I think it's time.

I really do.

And August was where I really pulled the trigger, hired a team to help me launch the podcast, got my equipment, got set up, got started, started coming up with episode ideas.

And now here we are a year later on episode 50, which is just so crazy to think about.

So if you didn't hear from previous episodes to celebrate hitting episode 50, I'm doing a Q&A.

So I took questions that you guys submitted either to the episode 50 Q&A form, or some of you submitted these online when I posted things about it on Instagram.

And I kind of compiled those together and put them in a couple different categories.

And I'm gonna answer your questions today.

So some of them have to do with, actually I was really excited for these questions.

They came into me of, how do I support someone, you know, going through the process when I'm not going through it.

So for other people who are not going through infertility, some of them are questions specifically from people who are going through infertility and then some of them are directed straight at me.

And so we'll go through those three different categories of questions and answer them.

But before we do, I just want to say thank you for being here.

Thank you for celebrating with me 50 episodes.

I truly am just amazed that we've made it this far and proud that we've made it this far and grateful to have you here listening.

And I really hope that you guys are able to take something from these episodes and apply it to your own life and just even if we can make this process a little bit more bearable, then I feel like we're winning and I'm just grateful to have you here.

So without further ado, let's dive into the questions.

So like I said, these first couple of questions, I'm going to read both of them off together.

They They come from people who don't have an experience with infertility or loss and they just have some questions.

So I got advice on how to support someone going through infertility when you haven't gone through it.

And then another one I got was advice on how to support someone after they've had a pregnancy loss.

So they specifically said miscarriage, but we'll talk about all pregnancy loss.

And what I want to say is I'm one person, right.

Like I can't speak for everybody.

some big trends that I think are really important and we'll talk about those.

But I just want you to understand that at the end of the day, just like when you go through grief in your life, you and the person next to you might grieve completely differently.

Same thing applies to two different people go through infertility completely differently.

Two different people experience pregnancy loss completely differently.

So honestly, I can give you ideas, I can give you some suggestions, but it really comes from communication with whoever you're talking about to really get some more information.

So if it's someone who you're not that close with, which you don't know that you're going to get that communication, then I would just say that you tread lightly, right.

I think the biggest thing, we talked about this in the panel discussion over the last few weeks, that I think more people can do is honestly just listen, right.

One of the most stressful parts of infertility is dealing with unsolicited advice and that comes from hearing that someone's going through something really painful like infertility or going through something really painful like loss and just feeling the need to like blurt out some good news like, "Oh, my friend did this and it worked.

" Or, "Oh, I think if you relax and go on vacation or just stop stressing about it.

" While I know that these comments often are coming from a good place, I want you to just think about what it would be like to be trying, dreaming, hoping, wishing, doing everything you could to overcome infertility and someone tell you to just get drunk and go on vacation.

Right.

That can feel very invalidating.

So the number one tip I give for anyone who is dealing with someone who's going through this and they are not themselves is to just listen.

Right.

When someone tells you they're going through infertility or when someone tells you they've had a a loss, they're not looking for you to fix it.

They're not looking for you to make them feel better.

Right.

They are literally looking for someone to say, "Gosh, I'm so sorry.

Like that is just so tough.

Man, I just cannot believe that you're dealing with that.

I wish you didn't have to be going through this.

Gosh, life is so unfair.

" Those are comments that feel validating.

Those are comments that acknowledge, "Hey, this is really hard and I'm sorry you're having to go through it.

" They don't give someone some advice.

They don't tell someone what to do.

They don't belittle the pain that they're going through.

Right.

And I think that's the most important thing that we can do is listen, hear people out, be willing to sit in the uncomfortableness of the pain of what they're going through and just say, "I'm sorry.

" I really truly think that's like the most important thing that you can do.

The next layer from that, right, like if you're closer to someone, if you, it's someone that you would be having more interaction with, right, then you can talk to them and see what they want, right.

Like if someone's going through loss, one person may want you to, you know, check in on them early on, and then they want to stop thinking about it months later.

They don't want to bring it up.

They don't want to have conversations about it.

Someone else may say, "Hey, you were really kind and supportive the week that it happened, and then you never mentioned it again.

It's like you forgot it even happened.

" So that comes from communication.

That comes from checking in with someone and saying, "How are you doing.

What's been going on lately.

What have you been thinking about.

What's been tough.

" Right.

And they'll open up to you and tell you what's going on, what's on their mind, what they want to talk about, because you're willing to listen.

And that is the biggest piece of advice I can give you.

When it comes to infertility, a lot of it has to do with watching how you're doing things, right.

Like if you're going through your life and having children has been easy in the past or is right now, just acknowledge that that's not the case for this person, right.

So inviting them to a baby shower that you're planning or telling them that you're pregnant again, that's gonna be more heavy of an emotional experience for them than others who are not going through infertility.

In my opinion, and again, this is not like a 100% every single person would feel this way, but for the most part, in my opinion, for announcements like this, I'm pregnant type of announcements, I think it should come through a text message.

And I've heard people say, oh, but that feels impersonal.

But imagine what it's like to have someone sitting in front of you and tell you that they're pregnant And you are feeling a whirlwind of emotions about that But you don't feel like you can experience them because you need to put on a smiling face for the person in front of you Whereas instead if you were to text them and say like look I have some news to tell you.

I want you to hear it from me.

We're pregnant.

I totally understand that that could be really emotional news for you to hear.

And I totally understand you may not be ready to respond to this or say anything to me and you have no obligation to, but I just don't want you to be surprised by it or hear it from someone else.

And I just wanted you to have some space to kind of process this information, right.

That is such a kind way to let someone work through their own emotions, to experience whatever it is that comes up for them without the pressure of having people around watching them.

I have heard horror stories of, you know, a group of friends together out for drinks asking the infertile friend, hey, have you got pregnant yet.

And them saying, no, not yet, we're still trying.

And then literally following that up of, oh, well, we are.

Like imagine the pain of that experience of having one to be like questioned in front of everybody of if your infertility journey has finished and you finally are pregnant and having to say, "No, I'm not.

" But then be crushed by the news of like, "Oh, well, we are pregnant.

" And having to put on a brave face, having to be positive in front of all these people, like I can't imagine what that would feel like.

So that would be the big thing that I would say is if you're having to make announcements, if you're having to invite someone to something, really be understanding that it may not be an easy thing for them to come.

It may not be an easy thing for them to accept this news and to allow them the space to do that in their own time and then come back to you and talk to you when you're there ready.

That's what I would recommend.

Same goes for, you know, having a child, right.

Like if you are really good friends with someone who's going through infertility and now your child is born, and maybe this was someone you thought would be there at your birth, you know, experience, you really have to have the conversation with them.

Right.

Is that something they would want to do.

I think it tends to go, unfortunately, in one of two ways.

People tend to approach infertility, friends, family members, whoever, as like, oh, they should just be going to everything and they should be fine to experience everything because they're a human, right.

They should go to every baby shower.

They should be fine when I announce my pregnancy at like a big Thanksgiving dinner table.

There's no big deal there.

Or they go the opposite direction and they start to just pull away.

Stop inviting you to things.

They don't invite you to the baby shower.

They don't invite you out with friends.

You're going out with other friends and their kids and so you don't invite the friend that has had infertility, right.

So it tends to go on one of those two extremes and I've experienced that.

I've experienced people in my life who have treated me like I should just be fine with everything and it should be no big deal.

And I've experienced other people who have pulled away and have stopped inviting me to things.

I don't know the reason, but for me, it feels like something to do with this uncomfortableness with my infertility journey.

And so what I I would encourage you, especially as a friend of someone going through infertility, is to just be supportive, listen to them, hear them out, tell them, "Hey, I have a couple things coming up, "and I would totally, on a normal instance, "you'd be the first person I'd invite.

" But everything you're going through and acknowledging that you're going through things has made me question that.

And I'm just being honest, and I would love to have you there, but only if it would be a good thing for you.

and let them make the decision, right.

So that's the best advice I can give you guys is to just do more listening, better communication, and stop making suggestions, stop assuming your friend, your family member, your whoever, is gonna respond in a certain way, but ask them.

Be open and let them respond and show up and answer in whatever way is best for them.

because it's different for everyone.

So that's what I have.

I don't wanna spend too, too much time.

This episode will be way too long, but that's what I have for advice for people who are interacting with people going through infertility or loss.

Again, the more you listen, the better, okay.

The next section is some questions from people who are navigating infertility.

So the first question I got was, how do you know when to take a break.

And this is a good one.

a good one in that I probably will do a whole episode on this topic, but I wanted to at least address it here since it showed up.

And, you know, I couldn't do every single question you guys sent in, but I thought this was one that was worth at least mentioning.

So what I want to say about this is if you're thinking about it, it's probably a sign, right.

Like if it's coming up, um, should I take a break.

That's probably a sign.

And we take breaks for different reasons, right.

For some of us, we take breaks because mentally we need it.

For some of us, honestly, a couple of the breaks that I took, I mean, I took some from like a mental standpoint, but a couple of the breaks I took was financially, right.

Like I had to save up more money because this process is expensive, unfortunately.

So that's what I would say is like number one, if you're thinking about it, it's probably a sign that it's needed.

And number two, we get to change our mind.

So like a break isn't a long-term decision.

It's not something that's like a terrible thing to do.

I've talked with clients through like, oh my goodness, I told myself I was gonna take a six month break, but I'm two months in and I'm ready to start trying again.

Okay, well you changed your mind, that's okay.

That's totally fine.

So just know that that's okay for that to happen.

And then also, if you're gonna take a break, Use that time to heal yourself, to do things that are rejuvenating, do things that you love.

Enjoy time on vacation, enjoy time with your family.

Just really support all the things that are so important to you that you need while going through this journey.

Really support your marriage or your relationship with your spouse.

I think that's the best thing because if not, your brain can be focused on, "Oh my god, I'm taking a break.

What a waste of a month and one month longer until we meet this baby blah blah blah blah blah and so I think if you can shift your focus and focus entirely on how can I make this the best experience, have the most fun, most rewarding, most rejuvenating and really enjoy my time with my spouse, I think that a break can be an amazing thing to do.

Like I said, we'll probably do a full episode on that but again if you're thinking about it, it's probably a sign.

The next question I got was an interesting one.

This one came on Instagram so I'm not sure if they're a listener of the podcast or not, but it was how do you keep positive through this process.

And I would love to say that, you know, go listen to my repertoire of episodes.

But if I were to summarize this down, I would say number one, drop the expectation that you have to be positive all the time, because that is just totally unreasonable, totally unfair to you, and it's just not gonna happen, right.

Even when I am on vacation, right.

This positive, great experience, I'm not positive about vacation all the time.

I'm disappointed that they forgot my luggage or I'm uncomfortable in this new bed and miss my home bed or what's another example.

Oh, I went to a restaurant that was real expensive and I didn't even like the food, right.

Like, not everything is positive all the time, so stop making yourself feel like you have to be that way.

Right.

So give yourself permission that it's okay to not be positive all the time.

Now, once you've done that, you can drop a lot of the drama and a lot of the guilt about the times where you feel negative, where you feel doubtful, where you're questioning if this is going to work, you're questioning if this is worth it, right.

Those are totally normal thoughts.

Those are totally normal emotions to be coming up.

And it allows you to have a lot more love and kindness to yourself for having those.

And magically what happens when we allow for ourselves to not be positive all the time, we start to make friends with our uncomfortable emotions, those negative emotions.

Magically, you start feeling positive more often.

And I know I make that sound really easy, but that is the work that I do with people.

That is the work that I work on with them one on one, and walk them through the process to make that happen.

It is absolutely possible.

It has happened for me, it's happened for so many other women and I would love for that to be able to happen for you as well.

So listen to the podcast or reach out to me and we will help you do that.

The next question I have is asking how do you not lose yourself in the process.

And I think this is such a good one because this is such a common complaint I have.

When I take my, when I take on new clients we do like a free onboarding call where we just talk about what's going on in their journey, just to see if coaching is even a good idea for them.

And this comment is like one of the most common things I hear is I've lost myself.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

And I truly think that allowing yourself to be more authentic in your experience of infertility allows infertility to feel less like a full-time job and more like part of your life.

And if we can get infertility to feel like part of your life, then you all of a sudden have room for other things, your career, your hobbies, your spouse, your family, your friends, the things that you love to do, the things that make you you.

So many of us put all of that on pause and only think about our infertility journey.

And I really truly think that there's another way to do this where infertility and navigating infertility is only part of your story, not everything.

The next couple questions I got are about infertility but they're actually specifically about coaching and what I do as a coach.

So one of them is what does it look like to coach with you.

Which is a great question.

I've talked about it a few times before but if you've missed that or haven't heard that or or need it re-explained.

I work with women one-on-one, which means virtually anywhere in the world, we meet on Zoom, and we meet together and talk about whatever is going on.

Someone just had their PGT results announced.

Someone is going through an IUI process.

Someone is learning how to track their cycle.

Someone just got a new diagnosis from testing.

Someone is navigating a really frustrating experience with their IVF clinic.

whatever is going on in your journey, you come to the call and we talk about it and we talk through it and we process how to emotionally get through those experiences.

And what happens is as you build this skill through these individual experiences that we talk about, you start to apply that skill to other areas of this journey, right.

'Cause I can't be with you every single day.

And it starts to rewrite like how you experience this journey.

journey.

And like I said, find places for positivity.

Find ability to be okay with the negative.

Find the ability to accept that your infertility journey is not your entire life.

You are worthy of so much more than that.

You have passions and careers and loves and friends and everything else that are worth your time and your energy and it doesn't have to be 100% sucked up by infertility.

And so we do that by meeting on a regular basis and talking through things and slowly building these skills.

And I truly am like humbled to see the transformation that women go through as we work together over a handful of months and truly just make it so that they can not hate every single moment of this process.

It makes me so sad when I see women say that, that this is miserable.

I hate this.

I don't want to be doing this.

I'm only doing it because 'cause I have to, and there's another way to experience it.

Truly there is, and I would love for anyone who's craving that to be able to have that experience.

The other awesome thing about coaching with me is that you do get access to me between our calls.

So like I said, you bring me what's going on, what's top of mind right now, but like I might not have a call scheduled with you on the day that you're going in for your first ultrasound, or on the day that you go in for your beta test, et cetera, et cetera.

So if things are coming up in between our calls, we actually message each other in between our calls, talk about how things are going.

Maybe you're preparing to go to a friend's baby shower and you're unsure if you should go, whatever it is, we can talk about it in between calls.

And so I just love that you are able to have that support and that connection full time, the entire time we're coaching together.

And it truly is like a transformational process.

So the other question I got about coaching is, do you only coach women who are diagnosed as infertile.

And I really appreciated this question because I'm really open to work with and coach almost any woman who's going through something on a fertility journey, right.

So I've worked with women who just are just starting, trying to conceive and are just nervous, are anxious, are stressed out about the process.

I have worked with women who think they're infertile, but don't really want to go the medication or medical route, so they've never gotten a formal diagnosis, totally fine.

Totally fine to still support you.

I've worked with women who are going through IUI, IVF, medicated cycles, naprotechnology, working with a functional medicine doc, whatever it is, that's totally fine.

It doesn't matter where you are in the process.

I'm totally happy to work with you.

I've actually also worked with a handful of women who don't necessarily have an infertility diagnosis, but have been going through pregnancy loss.

I've worked with women that have gone through stillbirth.

I have worked with women who have gone through miscarriage.

I have worked with women who have experienced biochemical pregnancies.

I have worked with women who have experienced ectopic pregnancy.

I also work with women who are pregnant, right.

Like if the last two weeks of episodes doesn't tell you, like the anxiety and drama that goes on from infertility and loss doesn't just end the day that you get pregnant.

So one of my favorite things is when I get to work with a client and calming their nervous system and really healing their emotions through infertility or post-loss, and then while we're working together, they get pregnant and I get to support them through early pregnancy, right.

Through all the stresses that go on in that process.

And I love all of it.

So it doesn't matter where you are on your fertility journey, I'm happy to support you.

Next, like I said, I got a couple questions that were directed more at me.

So we're gonna close out with a couple of those.

So the first one I got was, how did you decide to start a podcast.

So I kind of shared this in the opening, so I won't go too deep into this, but I had been coaching women on infertility topics and fertility experiences for a while.

And like I said, I had always dreamed of a podcast.

And I just had this idea last summer of, hey, there are common trends that you talk about, There are techniques, there are methods that you talk about with every client.

Wouldn't it be amazing to just be able to share that out to the world.

And that's what I'm doing.

So I started this podcast kind of launched last summer and got it started in October of 2022.

And now here we are at episode 50.

So, um, as far as logistics, I did hire a team to help me launch the podcast.

I have somewhat taken over most of the editing process myself now and I kind of enjoy it.

I have a family member who supports me through that and I could send things to them when I'm struggling, which I'm grateful to have, but it's been a fun time.

So the next question is, what has been the biggest or most helpful thing you have done on your journey.

And I love this question.

So two things came to mind.

So I'm going to answer both of them.

Number one is just from my experience from connecting with so many other women in this space, whether that's virtually, whether that's in the support group that I host locally every month, whether that's with my clients through here, whatever it is, I am so grateful for the relationship I've cultivated and my ability to communicate with my husband.

He's been on the podcast.

so you can go back and listen to him.

But that ability to connect with him and just know that I can trust him and be supported by him and open up to him and he can open up to me, there's nothing more important than that.

And I wish that for every single person going through an infertility journey, it is something that has been so beneficial to so many areas of our life.

So that would be absolutely number one.

And it's one of my favorite areas to coach on, talk about and help women with if their relationship isn't quite where they want it when it comes to this supportive process through infertility.

So that's number one.

Number two is 100% by far and away when I began opening up to my coach about my infertility journey.

I remember when I first started doing it and she first started giving me feedback and asking me questions, I was angry.

And maybe that's not something that's good to say, but I would leave a couple the first few calls being like, she has no idea what she's talking about.

Now, keep in mind, there's not a ton of people in this space of supporting people through infertility.

So I was just opening up to my life coach that was supposed to be helping with anything in life, right.

She actually specializes now in helping support people make friendships, which we all know making friends as an adult is difficult.

So, and she's younger than me and she has no kids and has not attempted to have kids.

So when I first started opening up to her about my infertility journey.

I had some thoughts about, you know, just her life experience and if she was going to be able to truly help me go through infertility having not been through it herself.

And I absolutely think there's some benefit to that.

That's why I enjoy so much connecting with women on a monthly basis at the support group.

But over time coming back and talking to her and opening up with my experiences and her questioning me about things, it has truly transformed honestly my experience from one of pain, depression, woe is me, this sucks, I hate this process to yeah, the stinks.

I'm really bummed I got dealt this card and that I have to deal with this process and this journey, but I did.

So let's go about about making it the best journey we possibly can along the way.

And that feels so empowering and it feels like taking back control and something that feels like it's stealing all of your control.

And I really, really credit her to so much of that.

And as much as I loved opening up to my husband this entire time and connecting with him, he didn't have the capacity to transform my mindset about that, right.

He's going through it too.

And he tends to be the more optimistic person.

So as much as he would have hoped to be able to make meme or like him, that just wasn't possible, right.

It's like when my dad tried to teach me how to drive a stick shift in high school, didn't happen.

I had to learn from my uncle, right.

Sometimes people are just too close to your situation.

And so I am grateful to him because I am able to open up to him, but I'm grateful to her because she has allowed me to see it in a totally different light.

And without the two of them, I really don't know how I would have gotten through this process.

So those are my two most helpful things on this journey.

The next one of the most common questions I got on the Q&A is how am I feeling.

How's the pregnancy going.

And I just want to say thank you.

thank you for checking in.

I will be honest, it's been tough.

I don't know if it's the IVF meds.

So I've gone through infertility for six years.

I do have a daughter, but she did not come from IVF.

She came from ovulation medications.

And honestly, that pregnancy was easy compared to this one.

So it's been tough.

I've been, you know, in bed a lot.

I've been really just trying to listen into my body.

And as you heard on the last few episodes, it's easy to feel like I've waited so long for this, I should love every single step of this process and I will tell you I haven't.

And that's okay.

That's okay that it hasn't been perfect.

It hasn't been without symptoms and that's okay.

And I am just getting through it and we are grateful to still be pregnant and pray that it continues to be that way.

The next question I got totally different direction these last two.

So one that I pulled from the question list was what is your favorite food.

Which is a funny question to ask right now just because my appetite is non-existent right now.

But on a normal day, my favorite food is typically like Mexican food like chips and salsa and a taco and I'm really happy.

So I love a lot of different foods.

My husband is actually chef and we love to go especially to like locally owned family owned restaurants and try tons of different things but if I had to pick one thing if I was forced to pick one thing it probably be salsa, guac, chips, and a taco and I would be happy and honestly I can pass on the margarita it's not my favorite but the food delicious.

The last question what hobbies do you do when you're are not working.

So my absolute favorite thing to do is to be out on the lake.

I'm not much of an ocean lady.

I will go to the beach, but I would much rather be at the lake and be on a boat and join the sun boating around.

That is my absolute favorite thing to do.

If we can't be doing that, it's not warm enough or not near a lake, then spending time with family, getting outside, going on hikes, something like that is what I really love to do.

And then I would say in the winter, you know, when it's cold out or when I'm not outside, the last thing on my hobbies list would probably be reading.

But I definitely don't read as much as Elise does who was on the last podcast.

So if you need book recommendations, ask her, not me.

I just, I can't keep up with her.

So those are the questions I pulled.

It definitely wasn't all of them.

But hopefully you guys found today interesting, learned some new things about me, learned some new ideas, maybe on getting through your journey or if you're listening to this and you don't have infertility or miscarriage or pregnancy loss or anything, you came up with some ideas of how to better navigate those relationships and those conversations.

So I love these questions.

I love being able to open up about these with you guys.

I hope you guys have a beautiful day.

Thank you for listening in and I will talk to you again next week.

Hey there, inspired mama.

If you enjoyed this show, I want to invite you to leave a review in your podcast player.

This helps to share the message with so many more women just like you.

Also, if you know of another hopeful mama on her path to motherhood, please share this episode with her.

I would love to get this into the ears of anyone who needs to hear it.

If you are ready to step this work up and not only learn these tools but to apply them to your unique story, head to the link in the show notes to apply for a free consult call.

I would be honored to help you.

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